Herald & Lantern 28 December '83

“The average American laughs 36 times a day,” according to American Averages by Mike Feinsilber and Willaim B. Mead* When having a bad day I find that very hard to believe — I’m sure I was below average today. I dropped and split the sugar bowl, upset a casserole, dumping the au gratin potatoes all over the floor, and sentawl of tea flying, antfnll of this on my lunch hour. I decided upon returning to the library Uiat what I needed was some humor — something funny to read this evening instead of attempting to cook something since today obviously my stars are not right for food preparation. I found a book, with a title that even made me grin — Please Don’t Call Me Collect on Mother's. Day; a New Approach to the Commitment of Motherhood So You Won't End Up Having to be Committed by Mary McBride. Some words of wisdom to follow; “Chew garlic before you deliver a lecture to your son. He will agree with you a lot sooner,” ‘If a room is hopeless say you are closing U off because of the energy crisis,” “If you have a chair on which the varnish is scratched and peeling, put newspapers under it and people will assume it is in the process of being refinished,” or “Should your Jellow still be liquid after eight hours, pour it into a punch bowl and float lemon slices on it

before serving.”

ONE FOR those of you inclined to the outdoors is Outdoor Yarns and Outright Lies; 50 or So Stories by Two Good Sports , written by Gene Hill and ^ Steve Smith. Hus gen is full of short humoroUs sporting stories such as “Shooting Golfs” (my Javorite, or how to stop your wife from fretting over tracked kitchen floors — install a floor with footprints and mud splats in-

31

-County Library by Kathleen Dutfy

Next week’s menu of meals served by the Cape May County Nutritional Project for the Elderly

Next week's menu: Jan. 2: Holiday. Jan. 3: Barbecued chicken, mashed potatoes, broccoli, fresh apple, chocolate chip cookie. Jan. 4: New England clam chowder, baked fish fillet, green beans w/stewed tomatoes, Danish pastry. Jan. 5: Tomato juice, ham and cabbage, boiled potato, pineapple upsidedown cake. Jan. 6: V-6 cocktail juice, pork sausage patties, oven fried potatoes, green peas, stewed apples. All meals are accompanied by whole wheat bread, margarine, and milk, coffee or tea Snacks, to be delivered to the housebound with the mobile meals, include: Jan. 2: Holiday. Jan. 3: Peanut butter and jelly sandwich, orange, milk. c Jan. 4: Pimento cheese sandwich, banana, milk Jan. 5: Sliced turkey sandwich, fresh Bartlett pear, milk. Jan. 6: Ham sandwich, chocolate chip cookie.

eluded in the design). Hie stories'were so outdoorsy I started to remember all those fun weekends as a Girl Scout leader. I remembered those rainy camping weekends, the snowy camping weekends, the flooded campsites, getting rescued by the park ranger when I sprained an ankle on the Appalachian Trail, getting rescued by a hunter when the canoe turned over and I •'as left in a tree; getting rescued by a state trooper when our van broke down in the middle of the night, and spending hours in a latrine in Wyoming in the middle of the night because I thought I heard a rattler. Those thoughts once again depressed me, and I went back to the 818.54's (Dewey’s number for

humor).

Alas, no Erma Bom becks on the shelf, and I was not in the mood for Art Buchwald. I did, however, find a new title called Real Women Send Flowers by Susan Connaughton Curtin and Patricia O’Connell. I was relieved to find that I am correct in resisting clothing with animals and monogrammed sweaters but will confess to on rare occasions resorting to

Hamburger Helper.

Daffinitions by F.A. Fitzgerald, which defined autographs as a chart showing the sale of cars, pictured kindred as a fear of relative coming and unabridged as a river you have to swim to cross left me groaning, a book which did make me laugh aloud was A Political Bestiary; Viable Alternatives, Impressive Mandates and Other Fables by Eugene J. McCarthy and James J. Kilpatridc. An example of the wit contained therein: “The Viable Alternative — Distinguishing between the Viable and the Non-Viable Alternative is a formidable challenge even for experts. It is comparable to the test of distinguishing between the poisonous and nonpoisonous mushroom. (Although failure does not have consequences of such immediate, evident, and absolute seriousness as does failure to distinguish properly between the poisonous and the non-

poisonous mushroom).

Non-Viable Alternatives, as a rule, are not difficult to find. They usually hang around, hoping to be policed. They sit with arms folded and will not be budged. They tend to be stumbled bver. Stumbling over a Non-Viable Alternative can result in great loss of time and may leave the the Alternative hunter without a real Alternative. Many Viable Alternatives are short-lived. An Alternative that is Viable one day may

be dead the next day.

ON THE OTHER hand, a change in climate, especially political climate, may cause the revitalization of a dead or torpid Alternative. Some Alternatives have been known to revive after living in a state of suspended animation for years. Little need be said of a third variety, the Unthinkable Alternative. The best that can be claimed for Unthinkable Alternative is that they are regularly, but regretfully, thought about. Alternative experts are

distinguished by their language. Like lawyers and foreign policy experts, they say things such as "yes but” or “either/or” and “on the one hand and then on the other.” When “Either/or” Alternatives meet, only one can survive. “Both/and” Alternatives on the other hand, can live together — if not in harmony, at least within the tolerable range of adjustment. Viable Alternative, if not recognized and noticed, will often lie around making reproachful sounds and saying something that sounds like “I told you so.” The illustrations by Jeff MacNelly are apt and humorous. Further down the shelf, I discovered Teenage Romance or How to Die of Embarrassment by Delia Ephron with lots of relevant and funny views on adolescence. Hints on how to make a pass, how to worry and talking to Mom — “You have just come home: Hi, Mom, did anyone call? You did get one call, but I forgot to ask who it was. Male or Female? Male. * And you didn’t ask! Thanks, Mom, thanks a lot, I really ap-

preciate it. For all I know it was the most important phone call of my life!” or “You have just hung up the telephone: Wfta was that, dear? Can’t a person have some privacy, once in a while!” I remember my younger brothers having similar conversations but of course, I never went through that phase. Miss Piggy’s Guide to Life was fun and informative — her exercise plan was right up my alley. “1. lie down on bed in comfortable position with head on pillow. 2. Do one Coyer Pull-up (grasp covers, pull up to chin, then release). 3. Slowly close eyelids. 4. Begin sheep-count.” Those of us who are still single may want to practice the short rebuff exercise and for those having trouble with nouvelle cuisine may wish to try Dinner a la B£Ue Telephone. A tongue-in-cheek spoof op intellectualism and the field of anthropology is the Motel of the Mysteries by David Macaulay. The premise is that our present civilization is being unearthed ad studied by future scientists who are trying to explain the complex network of grey and black stripes which envelop the entire continent and whose various patterns can be fully appreciated only frorh

the air. A motel called the ‘Toot n’Come on’ with its accountrements and water shrines (bathrooms) is guaranteed to make you

chuckle. So if you’ve lost .your sense of humor, come to the library and look for humor on our shelves.

SMILING EVES — The* bright facet shined brighter than the evergreen during Avalon's recent tree-lighting ceremony. The local elves warmed the crisp air with carols at the annual event. T/XdborAon JUDY OBERGFELl N SAWYER WALK-SOUTH END WASH. MALI CAPE MAY • 884-3138 • OPEN ALL YEAR Ithag (Smti ^ Sincere best wisnes fora holiday adorned with love and laughter, peace and joy. w our dear friends and valued customers Jjo our deepest thoughts of thanks. ^

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