50

opinion

And Brave Man Shiver 5^) Erin Corners OIL Market

Herald A UntettpM March '84

By LAl'RENCE; J.. BROWNSEY < il has become the most valuable commodity in today's ma -ket It has turned the tables on how the moneyma line game is ftfeyed It may yet make an orchard out of l le Sahara- Its a tee nee or shortage can force powerful coijntries to beg. and just a threat of such an eventuality hai heads of state shaking in their beds 1 ut there is another OIL that has also rendered many a bn ve man to shivering under his sheets Its combined effe-: ori generations gone and yef to come, is far greater th^n any viscous black liquid. Ireland is the sole supply. Peaceful, fun-loving Erin has long cornered the market be ause it alone has reared Old Irish Ladies, one of the m< st potent forces known to man WITHOUT DOl'BT, they are the original ESP groCip. probably stretching back in an unbroken line-to the most m stical of Druids: Not only are they psychic but every se ise has been honed • to’ an incredible degree of se isitivity "hey can hear the grass grow and sense the barometric fit ctuatior^caused by a burp in the next county fhey can- smell drink on your breath even if it was Vi dka and tippled tiio hours ago They can draw enough water in the kettle for exactly oi e cup of tea — neither a drop more nor a dram less. fhey can take a baby’s bottle and with one squirt oh the w ist know within one-tenth of a degree the temperature of the milk. They re as elemental as chromosomes, as complex^aS ll e genetic code, as persistent as life's own self-urging, a id as inexplicable as photosynthesis They can’t leap tall buildings, but can jump to conclu-

©

Q

We’re All Irish

'o The Editor: ; 1 particularly feel proud of St. Patrick, as he is my >atron saint and I share his name, even if it is the female 'ereion. ^ But over the years the shamrock that St. Patrick is cnowh for has been somewhat forgotten. His day has ^qpome a holiday to eat. drink and wear "Kiss me. I’m Irish'' buttons . It also reminds me of one of Joan Rivers' jokes. She ;laims she contracted herpes from kissing the Blarney Slone. I don't know about jLhat, but the gaiety of St. Patrick's Day is indeed infectious. In fact, '1 attended a grammar ; school where, if you didn't wear green on this auspicious {occasion, they thought you were a Communist. j' IRISH POTATOES, a candy shaped like the ubiquitous potato, is now sold all year-round. And the corned beef and cabbage staple meal is currently callqd ‘'New England Boiled Dinner” and is found in the recipe section labeled "American." Last, but not least, we have the pub element that emerges in ajl of us as we can’t seem to resist a frothy mug of green beer. 4^nd in New York, the original melting pot, the kegs are tapped early in the morning to celebrate descending from Erin’s Isle. Even though I was whisked away from the Knights of Columbus marching group in the St. Patrick's Day parade, as I tried to get on TV, I still believe that we are all Irish on St. Patrick’s Day. One last thing. Just this once, hold the joke about the seven-course Irish meal — a six-pack and a baked potato. After all. everyone gets thirsty sometimes. And remember, with "Hennessey, Tennessee tootles the flutes, and the.music is something grand, a credit to old Ireland is McNamara’s band." PATRICIA TREGO Avalon

C A*»E m AY

COUFVT

Published Every Hedaesdav B\ TW Sea wave Corporatioc

■" Hcralii

Cape Ma) C*

P.O. Bax iU

r* House, N J. atZlt

Joseph R. Zelnik Editor Bonnie Reina General Manager Gary L. Rudy Advertising Director-^ John Dunwoody Special Promotions'Director " Darrell Kopp PuWher f •# rfca 8 a away Corp. Me pert Hereof n

DEADLINES News A Photos Thursday Advertising Friday — 3 P.M. Classified Advertising Friday — 3 P.M. | 4€5-5tS5 For News or Advertising Information j Nrtllwr parrtrlpartaf edverUaera ear Uw puhilahm af tHr HERALD AND LANTERN will be rnpooible or UaWr (or nibiaiarmatioo. mttprinU, typographical error*, rtc.. to aay iatar. Thr rditor* rraerve* thr riRbl u> edit aay letter or article* aubmitled far

Voarer Toaeaahfp Lantebh j

P»Mkh<d Every Wodeeaday By P.O. Bex *3$ ^be Seawavr CerporaUaa Capr May Caert Hoinr. N.J m2 it

sions Beyond belief. They can’t outrun speeding bullet, but own the quickest mouths in the wes The most powerful locomotive Baldwin ever built can’t compare with the inexorable thrust of an OIL’S will. THEY HAVE A PATIENCE that would outlast Job and a vengeance that makes a Sicilian D™ look like a boy scout They can be as cold as a pathologist's scalpel or warm ac a mitten: They love to an extent only their chlltren know and hate to a degree only the devil understands. Either you’re black as the hob of hell or pure as the riven snow; a lad with a bit of a problem or a blaggard o' * drunk; a lovely, innocent lass who made a mistake r a consciousless strumpet. They've got hearts as gentle as a teby’s tug. but, if crossed, that same soft heart has all the malleability of a ball bearing. They can sing a lullaby that would tranquilize a rabid dog and then in the next breath deliver a / cut with a flick of their tongues that could split boulders. Don’t anger them unless you go in for tempting tornadoes. They give you a blakt that will melt diamonds, reliquify lava, and produce such a sweating one would think you showered with your clothes on. ONLY GOD HIMSELF in a direct art of intervention or the Devil at his most diabolical can pc tnofe fear into the heart of man. They can place a curse on you and all whom you sire that would ihafce Lilith blanch. Strong men have jumped at the shado^oi a passing sparrow after one of their imprecations abd many a Black-and-Tan’s sleep is still broken by their blood-curdling execrations. The looks they can give you .are enough to chill the heart of a buzzardw cause a lark to mourn. Their glare can constipate a goose and for special occasions, they have a mordant. dead-eyed look that will chase a Great White to deeper, safer waters. Their cry is a lament that would move the Pieta to tears and their keen chases morning, hounding night to fall. Thank God that although they can abominate to a degree that embarrasses Satan, they can forgive almost anything. Never, never therefore remain unreconciled to an OIL. Your life is not your own and it’s easy to make amends (even if you are right but that’s a moot point). Just Say, "Mrs. Murphy, Mrs. Callaghan, (fill in your own as the case may be), I can’t tell you how sorry I am!” and then back up your apology with a fanciful and heartrending version of your side because an OIL loves nothing more than a sad tale with which she may sympathize Such a tearful narration will provide iriany a good retelling and offer another appropriate occasion to have a good

cry.

WHEN YOU’VE FINISHED your story, the flood gates of mercy will near drown you. float you to angelic heights, and you'll soon wonder if this is'the same woman who was the scourge of your life. She’ll set you down to a spot of tea and a bite to eat and before long your fault becomes a virtue, your sin an unsuspected, unknown path a grace. OILs are heavily burdened because they are convinced Mexican Mission Fails-

Doris Ward

IRISH LADY — Hannah Frederick,will be wearing the green Saturday. She was born in Donegal. Ireland, in 1901, and came to this country at the age of 4. A former North Wildwood resident, she lives at the Crest Haven Nursing Home. Her nearest relative is niece Winifred DiDonato of North’Wildwood.

they carry the world in their raw, care-worn hands. As they see it, a case of wrong cannot be left to continue and they will neither rest nor be content till it is righted. They will pursue their cause even though hell may applaud and

heaven moan.

They are born of man, but in that happy land of troubles, they’ve been tempered to excess. They know no fear, neither God nor Devil, nor British boot, nor the backhand of himself. They alone can storm heaven’s gate and as the case may be, either beguile or berate Peter into juggling

the books.

Only the sons of OILs know of which I write — there should be no wonder why so many Irishmen either take to the jar or are impervious to stain, impregnable to assault. They have been treated in the hottest of furnaces and tempered over 7000 times. They either break or become

kryptonic.

And me, what can I say? I am the son of an OIL and, therefore, cursed but thrice blessed. Scarred I am, bent out of shape here and there, but I’m aware of the eternal. When I laugh, it’s sheer joy; wheit I cry. it’s a dirge, and

when I love, the angels sigh.

Brownsey, of Wildwood Crest, is a free-lance writer and substitute teacher in Middle Township and Lower Cape

May Regional high schools. /

Bullfight Shortage Hurts

By JOE ZELNTK SOMEWHERE IN THE YUCATAN - I regret to say that my mission to negotiate- a winter thurist swap between Cape May County and Mexico met with little success: The Mexicans had heard it wasn’t safe to drink our local water. My efforts also weren’t helped much by a story in “USA Today.” one of two English ’anguage newspapers available on the island of Cancun, that reported Atlantic City has the nation’s highest crime rate. I did my best. Conceding some minor salt problem in Cape May and Stone Harbor water, I urged my Mexican amigos to consider Avalon But they are a peace-loving people and were frightened by rumors of a battle between the Whitebrier and the Top oif the Rock. THE MEXICANS also had heard several Cape May County horror stories: that we have neither Mexican restaurants nor bullfights, and that large white birds ^Snatch food and even small children from our beaches. K (Cancun has no seagulls, although it does have black starlings with melodic songs.) I tried. I assured them we had restaurateurs who could serve unidentifiable food as well as anyone. I said the gull threat to people was exaggerated, although the menace to automobile finishes was formidable. * But I knew the left-wing, do-gooder Animal Welfare Society would frown on what I saw last week: e young matador shove a sword into a bull eight times before giving up and pushing the bull out of the ring. In vain I tried to convince the Mexicans they would see just as much excitement at a Lower township Committee meeting. The Mexicans simply were reluctant to go to considerable expense to come here when their sand is whiter, their water a more beautiful turquoise, and their beaches unlittered by such unappetizing creatures as horseshoe crabs. I SUSPECT CANCUN has bo-^eshoe crate, but the natives clear them from the beach before dawn each morning and they later appear, disguised, in some of the

breakfast buffet items I was unable to identify. There’s no reason we couldn’t clear the crabs from the beaches the same way, possibly enlisting able-bodied welfare recipients. Cleaner beaches would justify higher pnees which would mean more profits could be used to hire more people and get them off the welfare rolls. There’s a “new idea" for Gary Hart. There also were problems of economics. The typical Mexican peasant would have to sell his moped and mortgage his adobe just to get here and buy two teeshirts on the Wildwood boardwalk. Where would he then sleep? The Cancunites were xhuch concerned with the language problem. I must admit I didn’t help bur cause in that regard by the absolute fit I threw when I tried to order bacon and eggs and got a conch taco. Also, they had heard we have several nuisances which they do not want to put up with: mosquitoes, green flies and Earl Ostrander. THE CANCUNITES pointed to several other areas in which they excel. They nave no municipal lifeguards for example. Not only does this save tax dollars, but think how pleasant it is not to hear all those whistles: guards whistling at swimmers, young men and women whistling at guards. And Cancun shopping is more convenient. It permits •vendors to hawk their wares on the beach. A small stream of entrepreneurs strolls by offering silver bracelets turquoise rings, blankets, etc. This is easier than having to put on your sho* and go to the boardwalk. And if there wwe no boardwalk, there would be no boardwalk fires. I ll bet Cape May officials already have their calculators out, trying to come up with a beach vendor fee proportionate to their beach tag.and parking meter fees. The most opposition to the tourist swap, though came from the Mexican women, a powerful voice in that country. They are aware of statistics showing Cape May County leads the nation in percentage .of blonde women, possibly the result of exposure to sea air. And the blade-haired Mexican women are afraid their mate would be bewitched by the rare and striking blondes of Cape May County. How could I dispute that?