• • > «_ opinion Herald & Lantern 13 June '84

C WSHUI i- •" ~ ~ - . "It s Nothing, Rea H y*' \ It Only Hurts When You Laugh

Our Readers Write Sell Footwear In Sea Isle ? T«f riu- Kciitm A> .1 \ i';ir i"c tin id rcMdent u| Sr., isle Citx |(„ approx illKitfiv |u.\cais x.i.alimui (in 4-'»\rais . I hax e i eeeiiliv been taking exeepl inn to mam ol the Boaul <>l < ointpi> eSioncis derisions I also have heen -vein vocal in m\ entieisin and haxe been receiving much leedliaek Irnm other citx ta.xpaxcrs This xxeckend I was approached with Ihe request that I make aii nuter> publiclx aliout the condition ot oui sti eets I do that xxillingix. bring in lull agreement with the resi dent w ho requested thi^ < >ui streets. nddeiiialilx . are in a deplorable condition I leel tins was not due to our past winter weather. raMicr to eonstanl neglect IN \I)OITIO\ to the dilemma ol our neglected streets, now we have our so called retuijnsheik heach Far I roil i lieing the most heautilul heach along it he South .lersev coast, as we were assured it would he bx Minor Dominic Italia. \ve are now conlronted with! another broken seasheil ihlested I icach. this time extending trom tdsl Street to 47th Street " I would likt1 to extend an in\ nation to anvone w it h ,i lit • tie capital. Io«joui me in opening up a heach tool wear con cession, to ensure protection tor out summer \ is i tors We would not want to send fflem home |icrrii.iiient|> >c.n led * would we ' It is ho{H>d that things on hui island impiove . rapidlx in the next-lew tfeeks Pining tin heach tags in this commiimlv i- a taree \U those in agreement sa\ \>c

IS Mil. I' (.11 I.FM'IE ~~ sc.. M. ( || \

Show Your Colors :lo The Kdilor: What ever huppcnu^ to the living ol our Hag on holidaxs'' Have we aUwost our patriotism '•"Let's all llv.oui Hag on Flag Dax. Jjfnc 14. businesses and homes It does n t have w hi; a $2u one a 59 cent one w ill do Let s make Box shore/toad a street ol Hags on all holidavs Let 's show our colors Julv 4 also VINCENT MC MAI K IN Lower Tow nship

Wrralii 1 PuNkhrd Every Wednesday By p o Box am The Seawave Corporation Cape May Court House. N J. 0X210 Joseph R. Zelnik Editor Bonnie Reina General Manager V Advertising Director John Dunwoody Special Promotions Director Parrel! Kopp Publisher ^•yvCnp. 1TM. AW right, r»-rvJ. AH pct^rty riSfi pwMfcortow sh^M be the pro»rl*"7l ""r ■- DEADLINES - ?rSjrh0toS Thursday Advertising Friday - 3 P.M. Classified Advertising Friday — 3 P.M. 1 465-5055 For News or Advertising Information | Neither participating advertisers nor the publishers of the HFR Al n ! LA.NTERN will be responsible or misprints, typographical errors, etc.. in any issue. The rditor publication''' '***' ** *** *»bmlUed for VoHcrToMdhip LANTERN J Cemrt H<^. N: ?*«PI>J

Worried About Mommy Dear Dad : You and I Have a Lot in Common ■

By ADABLEE BEITMAN \ (Transcribed by G^il Milgram Byitman) Dad. can we talk? Momjny's taking down this^utfatibn. since she knows how to type. < Don't tell anybday at her" agency; she's supposed to be an executive.) < I want to thank you for faking me to prepared childbirth classes. All those people who kept asking "have you dropped yet?'' didn't realize I had no intention of doing any such thing Just like they said in class. Caesarian babies are beautiful. Accordingly. I decided to come out the easy way. 1 Being a fetus was good basic training for life. It gave me a great opportunity to perfect my skills at manipulation After a while, a few good kicks to the gall bladder and 1 could lay mommy out for hours By keeping it up. I even got you to buy that water bed mommy and I wanted so v much. U THERE WAS SOME TRAUMA on that first day of birth, though When they brought me to mommy's room I had a terrible scare. There were flowers everywhere; I thought she was dead! Another bad part was getting into the infant car seat to go home. Who designed those torture chambers - a baby could hang! I stayed real quiet figuring maybe it would go easier on me if I behaverf. Mommy even made you st»p the car so she could check me in the back seat to see if I

was still breathing. Even she knows those seats are lethal. There ought to be a law! > After eight days in the world 1 was delighted to learn that a big coming off party was planned for me. Rabbis, ""^-ministers, physicians, friends and relatives came bearing * wbnderful gifts — from the practica (what joker gave the raby leash? ). to the unique < pewter »aby bar bells), to the humorous < a stuffed alligator weai ng a person on its t- , I (Shirt ). to the elegant (porcelain baby dishes r- the ( /fragments should ultimately be go< d for plugging up the / holes at the bottom of all those flower planters). | I really appreciate the designer Vardrobe everyorte I helped to provide. Now could you work on dressing up ^nommy? Those tents she calls dresses have got to go. The big problem with the party was when I found out that it was being held to perform my circumcision. I got so upset I wet myself. SPEAKING OF MOMMY. I'm worried about her. She walks around the house calling herself "mommy cow" and mooing. As it is I milk her 10 times a day. so she doesn't have to get sarcastic. What's more, she's destroying the English language — ^speaking three octaves above normal and distorting words. Does she want me to grow up illiterate? She also cries easily and keeps talking about miracles. Maybe she needs professional help. Dad. I want you to know I appreciate you sleeping on Ihe floor so that 1 can share the water bed with Mom. Howcome you put so many pillows over your head? I also think it's great that you take time out of your busy schedule to I spend with me. . .at 1 a.m.. and 3:30 a.m! and 5 a.m. * If I ever have a digestive problem I'm coming to see you. since you're so good at changing my diaper. AREN'T WE GETTING a little too wrapped up in medicine? So far my only outings have been to the hospital to see an emergency, to make rounds, to the nursing homes and to a Cancer Society seminar on urologic cancer (don't forget to frame my credit form). You once mentioned going to the zoo. Do you think they would have any interest in exhibiting my bear collection? They don't eat much. Would you pl^se tell Mr. Zelnik that I have to decline with regret his Offer to be the Ocean City reporter. Mommy says to wait uhtd fourth grade when I get to know a few more people And Daddy, even tnqugh it may seem right now that my life centers aroun^Mommy. I love you a lot too Besides, mommy sa^s you and I have a lot in common. Our blood type is^p-flositive. we eat like pigs and both have Mte-same sRirp^rear ends' Happy Father's Day. Your First -Born Son. Adam

ADAM (lEITMAM

Dogs Overheat Summer is coming J|l with it eonio the hot weather which could Ik- fatal to® our dog it lie is Irli in xour car The temperature in uil car can reach Hilt degrees in a matter ol minutes, eve* when the windows are partialh open Heuw panting. glaze®e\es. rapid pulse rate, dizziness, vomiting, or a deep red |i purple tongue are .ill signs that your dog has become nvlrhcu ted It \ out dog>howsan\ ot these symptoms get h|n into the shade and take the follow ing steps 1 Applv ice packs or fold towels to the head neck and chest 2 Don't gi\ean unhinged an u*mroi euid him lick <in ice cuhe or ice (Mcani 3 (iet tin- dog to a vel'ryianan iiiiinnli.iieh \ Show >ou can- b\ leaking xour |x-i at home It cou\l SiUf> hl> J NI^A At s TKNMERti^i Mid Atlantic Regional « Ml ice

•If She Walk! Like a Camel ... —

Election Day: The Worst

By JOE ZELNIK I'm indecisive — I USink. Just in the last few days, I've had difficulty making these decisions: Do I tighten up or lighten up? Love her or leave her? Get a cockatoo or cockapoo'' Break dance or touch dance0 Tour stalactites or stalagmites0 Buy my kielbasa fresh or smoked ? Go to hear "Now and Then" or "Then and Now"? BUT THE WORST was election day. I don't know when I had to make so many decisions at one time. As a first-time primary election voter in the county. I had to choose whether to vote Democrat or Republican. I ruled out the Democrats because they had no local races and I had no strong preference for President. 1 saw Hart-Mondale as a toss-up and, as I previously pointed out. couldn't possibly vote for Jackson. His kid. Michael, and all his ghoulish friends would destroy the White House faster than a Philadelphia senior class would bring down a duplex in Wildwood. Having picked the GOP by default. I was faced with about 40 names, most of which I'd never heard of before. It was like walking the beach in one of those morning fogs : no idea where I was or what I was doing. I'd probably still be there, but two election workers physically removed me from the booth. I hadn't even got to Fox-Plousis. NOW THAT THE ELECTION is over, I hope the candidates will remove their eyesore posters from utility poles, etc. I especially hope that Wake's opponents take down their sigr)«7 I don't know his full name or what he was running for. I couldn't even find him on the machine so I could vote against him. But I took a backbay trip on the Miss Avalon the other day and I saw dozens of "No I Wake" signs. I've never seen so much opposition to one person — probably raised taxes. i «>

Despite my reputation for indecisiveness. many readers continue to bombard me with appeals for advice. That's because I have an uncanny ability to cut through the bull right to the heart of the question and. with my keen sensitivity, provide an answer that almost always succeeds. This week, however, the procedure will be somewhat different. A number of people in sensitive positions and with especially revealing questions have asked me not to use their initials and not tojrepeat their' questions, just give mx answers. 1 understand their predicament and am willing to cooperate : ANGRY WIFE in King Crab Landing: If you truly feel the guillotine is too good for him. hanging him by the feet will achieve the same result and is said 16 be considerably \ more agonizing. * \ Passionate in Nummy: Tell him your doctor told you \ never to put anything smaller than your elbow in your ear. \ Home seeker in Stone Harbor: $17,000 in 1971 $249 000 \ today. Offer them $200,000. \ Future Lower Councilman: Install the incinerator. If it / doesn't work and the public wants to know who to blame, ( all five of you can stand in a circle and point to the left. CAUGHT in North Wildwood: Deny it, even if she has pictures. 1 Frustrated in Eldora: If you like her, point out that only alligators blow bubbles before they make love. If you love her, blow bubbles. New chairman: Your idea has merit, but it's too late for a spelling bee to replace the electoral process this November. Perturbed in Mayville: Make yourself indispensable. Figure out how to put down her ironing board PIQLED in Petersburg : Come right out and tell her she walks like a camel. Thirsty in Cape May: I would put round-the-clock surveillance on Fred Coldren. If he buys bottled water do likewise. candidate: Sorry, but your opponent was correct. It IS ready, aim, fire; not ready, fire, aim.