opinion

Practice. Practice, Practice Perils of Adult Education

By TOM PORCH Mori of the senior citizens m this area attend adult education classes Mother and I had been holdouts until recently when Mother without telling me about it. signed us both up She picked Creative plumbing for herself, and. for me. Emergency Writing As I came out of my classroom the first night I spotted Mother m the hall, 'and as we walked to the parking lot I asked her when her next class was to be held There isn't going to be any next class for me." she said Ok you (hdn t like it. then'*" I loved it. but I figure that I've picked their brains here tonight and from now on all I need is practice, practice, and more practice " But what are vou going to practice on*" 1W PU MBIN4. what else*" I was aghast I said. Mother you can't mean that you are going to practice on our plumbing' We've been mar ned 43 years, and this is the first plumbing system we have ever had that worked right ' " 'TH only improve it," she said The next morning Mother sent me to the shopping center to get three assorted pipe wrenches, a hat with a light bulb in the front, and a jumpsuit, size "Chubette" I helped Mother into the crawl space She looked out. her headlight glaring in my Vyes and said. When I need any thing 1 II signal you thusiy s HP BANGED on tie house timbers with her largest wrench - ' Bloomp Bloomp Bloomp Now go in the house and start writing she said I sat at my desk and wrote down the book title I had already decided on 'Why Are People So Rotten'*" I con tinued to sit there for a long while contemplating my title and wondering what a semi -colon was. when I heard some disturbing notses coming from the kitchen and the bathroom sort of a hissing and pinging sound The sounds grew in volume until the whole house emitted a tern We groaning and sighing notse I looked out the window A truck was halted at the stop sign at our intersection The name on the side of the truck was *T J Gurgle Plumbing " I rushed up to the vehicle •yelling. Please. Mr Gurgle, help me' My plumbing ts ex ptoding' Price is no object the crawl space » around hack \s i w as fixing myself a vodka with muscatal chaser to steady my nervous I realized that I had neglected to inform Mr Gurgle that Mother was under the house "Oh. we®."* I thought, they can introduce themselves to each . other Then Bloomp , "Bloomp Bloomp*" I raced our back Mother was screaming "Help'; Pohce. Rape'" Gurgle was exiting from the crawl space, his face lonked rather lumpy with the odd scratch here and there "I don ? know what you're keeping in there, "he said, but it sure puts up a helluva fight' ' I NBUO Mother out and onto her feel. and. when I did dW water pipes became silent It seemed that all the plumbing system needed to heal itself was just for it to get nd of Mother, who informed me that she was through with plumbing forever Put Pride Aside I To The Editor I am writing you to tell you how sick I am of hearing about f'ape May Court House Eire District No 1 and Omhen Being a firefighter from another fire district. I feel if Goshen were had aa sincere as they say they are about Goahrn fire protection they would take the generous offer from Cape May Court Howe put Chief Bill Frame's per vmal pride aside and make dmhen a substation winch Fire District No I could support and be proud of Put down your arguments and get together as firefighters if tins m your true function ML DE SIMONE Rio Grande f. _yHk.II)Y 1 r O Omm I J# f spm m+y / Hww * /"fKflV Joseph R. /elfvik Editor Bonnie Reina Onrral Manager Gary L. Rudv Advertising Director John Dunwoodv Spe* tal Promotions Director Darrefl Kopp PuMtsher immmrn* $ ' SS4 M AS yiptrty ' —*!■«« 9* Sh If »*• 4 *K# Smmmmvm pmn *0*00* mmy W ~ p»— »«■« 90m 00090*0 MMHMi News 4 Photos Thursday Advertising Friday - 3 P.M. C lasatfled Advertising Friday — 3 P.M. 145-5455 Far News or Advertising Information s is I gatm Igmi « tA%. ■«— *■ A. — WiRNlliffl on i HI K» *09^04000000*0 AtpANi •900^000*091 rw '4w»- 00~m*0- 4kr n«Sf t* 0*4* / > fcn 1 t i»M*y I L ANTERN ~ I

As Mother was repairing herself I sat at my desk, threw away my old book title and wrote out my new one — "Rape in the Crawl Space ' That evening, relaxed on the sofa. Mother said. "I made a fool of myself, right?" Oh. no." I said Then, trying to cheer her up. I reminded her of a fellow club member who took two adult courses at once, got confuaed. and installed a stained-glass window in the backside of a decoy duck She chuckled Then she said I'm not through with adult education, you know " A tremor passed through me. "You don't mean that you are going to take another course, do you?" "Yep. Guitar Playing They have this terrific instructor, Plato Plectrum "But. Mother." I said. "y«u don't even own a guitar! How can you take lessons when you don't even own "No problem 1*11 ng up a cigar box with rubber bands and fake it out that way until I get the hang of it " Mr Plectrum, enjoy your guitar playing career while you can. becaus^ you will soon be switching to tuba !

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We Must Expect Less Services

To The Editor This year's budget for Lower Township calls for a 17-cent increase in the local purpose tax. After attending a number of budget hearings conducted by the Lower Township Council I can see how this rate increase is almost inevitable Poor Publish All Salaries To The Editor: v The people of the county owe you a vote of gratitude for keeping us informed Some of us do not like what we read, but we do thank you As a resident of Avalon. I do not like what "the people in power have left us with The Freeholders, the MUA. and all those having the power to make decisions have left Avalon with an ugly sewerage disposal plant in the center of town, an ocean outfall line from the center of the town we hope it works » but the worst part of all this is that it is not just for Avalon but to include other areas as well I CAN NOT understand how any Health Officer or D E P official would grant further use of the Court House "socalled sewerage treatment plant" which is located at the Parkway and Stone Harbor Boulevard It » unbelievable that a hospital is using that facility and dumping in the Bay Waters I am enclosing articles from a Ft Pierce. Fla newspaper We were there for three months this early winter and they published daily the salaries of off employes of that local government I surely w ould like the Hera Id- lantern lo do the same, beginning with the County Once again I thank you and the Herald for keeping we the people informed MARJORVE L ZfX)K Avalon

management and no long term planning by previous administrations has led to this increase Who ever heard of bonding for salaries9 That's what Lower Township Committee did for the '84 budget, so now in '85 we have to pay for this reckless method of balancing the '84 budget Lower Township is mort gaged, and we are left to pay. and pay and pay As taxpayers, if we are concerned, as well we should be • after all we're paying for all this), we must get involved and participate. That's what government is all about The council men represent us the taxpayers, but if we don't tell them what we the taxpayers want and expect of them, this is the mess we'll continue to find ourselves in year after year For every service that is proposed and accepted, there is a price tag. If we as taxpayers want services, the money must come from somewhere — taxes So. if we are serious about decreasing taxes we must expect as taxpayers less free services Employes have to de mand less benefits, and deliver a full day's work for their salary I see as a start, community involvment Come to the town meetings every first and thrid Monday at 8 p m See and hear what's happening Have a voice — you will heard JOHN FERRIS Cape May Beach Goal: Unsuitable Living? To The Editor: I have to believe that a few politicians, lawyers and real estate developers will not be satisfied until they have made Cape May County an unsuitable area to be living and vacationing in. STEVEN O'CONNOR Cape May Court House

pGrammar's Something Else Never Doubt Our Accuracy

By JOE ZKLNIK Last week's column ended in m»d air without benefit of I any punctuation let alone a period That led some people to accuse me of either making a mistake, or having scant I knowledge of English grammar I can live with grammar complaint Just a couple weeks I ago a normally nice lady wrote to chide me for writing 'And I he was shorter than me' when, she said. I should have wrttI ten And he was shorter than I She concluded. "I've never J found you weak in grammar " When it come® to grammar I am so weak I take steroid* And when it comes to criticism. I'm thin skinned as my I eel wallet I responded by sending her a bouquet of poison I »*y THE 4 CM J MN ended without a period last week for good I reason Our readership surveys have found that many per I sons read this column once shake their heads, and never I read if igam We thought that, with no period, readers I would think the column was nof finished and come hack to I the same spare next week This experiment may have been I reckless, but if was not a mistake We do n't make mistakes A couple true life examples A mce gentlemen from Ocean City stopped in last week to point out that our Property Transfers column reported I his home as having been sold, which was news to him It I also listed a seller and buyer he'd never heard of. and a I ridiculously low price I told htm that quite frankly, we were never wrong, and i we reported his property sold, rt was sold He politely persisted hut I finally suggasfed he quit argu ng and hurry borne to help his wife pack the dishes The •asf f heard they had piled their possessions in a II Haul and were heading to stay with relatives in Ypstlsntt Mich M4D I. ART WEEK you tee what a week it was9!, a gentleman called to question a story in which we said II a mr licenses in this count y were bringing anywhere from •88 wis to lanfi ofin He's got one for sale and seemed a little <Mhow I told him to raise his price stick to his gimt and send me a commission

I also had a ma una 'mountain) of calls from people who speak Hawaiian and wanted to know why I had entitl ed my t shirt display speech. Hapai Haole Huh Kahuna" since it means Pregnant Caucasian, Angry Priest My response is that I can call my speeches anything I want and besides the shirts shrank and I canceled the talk A couple years ago we kept referring to Freeholder Bill Sturm as Rill Strum A lot of people, including Sturm, thought we were making mistakes Actually, we had had Ihe Herald herald. Sam Kuncevich. research Sturm's ancestry IIE TR ACED Sturm to loth Century Prussia where the family name was. in fact . Strum until a summer day in 923 A D The elder Strum was lolling in a hammoc k after hav mg beheaded three serfs 'not to be confused with Smurfs 1 for failing to pay their taxes when a holt of lightning struck a few feet awav It threw him to the ground and left the elder Strum unable to pronounce three consecutive consonants .So the family name was changed to Sturm Although we had been accurate about Strum, we con verted to Sturm m 19*3 in the interest of consistency It is crucial to defend our accuracy because as soon as people begin to doubt what they read, thev question everything The absence of that period last week, for example, misinterpreted as a mistake by many, prompted a number inquiries from persons clearly suspicious of my veracity E ft. 4>E FIERI Eft POINT demanded to know the detaiU of my duel with critic Garrow Kerr 'wait until our herald check* that name. Well, sinre I was the insulted party (accused of starting the Spanish American War). 1 had choice of weapons I picked weight guessing at six paces Kerr guessed I weighed 178. seven pounds too heavy I guessed he weighed HW. hitting it right on the nail and won the duel And (J W of Tafer Island wrote to request further details on my Passion Fruit Preserves story, wherein I explained that a little of Ihe fruit t HHM" > at breakfast kept me in vo Ived" until noon O W clearly a Jealous female, demanded, in the Interest of accuracy to know what time I tferferf breakfast 4 Ray nosy About II 45