opinion

Our Readers Write Lower Gov't Like Unicorn Professional wrestling is coming to Cape May County Hulk Hogan and Mr T are going to defend their tag team title against two up and coming local stars: Flim-Flam Fothergill and Deputy Dog Davis The Junkyard Dog will manage the Hulk and Mr T Flim-Flam and the Deputy will be handled by trainer/promoter Glib Gorman This match of a lifetime will be held at the old Magnisite Plant on all 123 acres. The purse will run into the millions The voters of Lower Township will be asked to vote on a limit multi-million dollar bond to cover prize money, exspenses and a cost feasibility study performed by the Michigan tag team champions, the wonderful Weilenga's It will be a gala event. Something for everybody. Bocci for those who know how to play it Hiking trails for those who want to lake a hike. There will be a flag-raising ceremony for all those residents who bought seven trash cans in 1983 so they wouldn't be fined $500. ENTERTAINMENT will be supplied by the Lack of Common Sense Coalition which, by the way, is searching for a place to set off fireworks Apparently, these local Democrats are taking my advice and are trying to for mulate a 4th of July celebration Being of the wrong per suasion, they will no doubt screw things up. (Note This absent-minded coalition will have a political rally on the 4th of July no Republicans are invited. Location, where else, the Harbison Walker site. ) Back to the wrestling match. Flim-Flam and the Deputy have been practicing hard running their mouths at Township Hall I understand they even are doing push ups with their tongues What dedication. An unidentified source told me that these two heavyweights have sacrificed all solid foods and are living on a diet of salt water Salty Dog. the Deputy's younger brother, tells me. he doubts how much longer this tag team can hold out. Glib Gorman feels confident that a desalinization plant fueled by garbage will soften his boy's load He's against the idea of drinking salt water, hut he recently was quoted as saying. "Ya gotta do. what ya gotta do!"" COUNCILMAN LONERGAN (a retired professional wrestler) of North Cape May was asked by a local reporter.. "What about the road to success?" The councilman replied, while peeling an apple with a knife in the hallway adjacent to his office. "The road is a rough one. take our deteriorating roads in my ward, please! " He jok ed. "Glib Gorman and I agree." that after we turn the Atlantic Ocean into fresh water by using a process called RO ..." The reporter, burping on his Diet Pepsi, interrupted. "RO, is that Reverse Osmosis?" The councilman joking, as only a councilman can joke. said. "Reversed Oswhat! I call it, a Rip Off. but that's between me. you and Glib, okay! But, getting back to the road to success, we plan to have a study done by the Wonderful Weilenga's on the feasibility of changing sand into asphalt streets Our mayor has given us the go-ahead. He feels certain that someday soon the Wonderful Weilenga's will design a machine that will change sand into gold, oops The councilman sliced his finger and while running to the Arts and Crafts room yelled buck. "and. I didn't even vote for the tax hike!" IN SUMMATION I know practice makes perfect These new guys (Klim Flam. The Deputy and Glihi are tough they'll determined, they're slippery and like Marvin Hagler, they're hungry to make a buck Until the majority of voters set aside ego and unite, until Councilmen Brand and Conroy speak out against this sick minded tag team in Township Hall, until the citizenry cries out for sane government. Hulk Hogan and Mr T and all of us are doomed to higher taxation and mismanage ment and fraudulent behavior Like the unicorn at the Barnum and Bailey circus, like professional wrestling, the government of Lower Township might sound good, but it ain't for real MICHAEL J STUBBS North Cape May (ED NOTE Stubbs father Samuel was defeated far the mayoralty by the Common Sense Coalition last May Herald LANTERN Published Every Wednesday By The Seawave Corporation P.O. Box 430 Cape May Court House, N.J. 08204 Joseph R. Zelnik Editor Bonnie Reina General Manager Gary L. Rudy Advertising Director John Dunwoody Special Promotions Director Darrell Kopp Publisher DEADLINES News & Photos Thursday Advertising Friday — 3 P.M. Classified Advertising Friday — 3 P.M. 465-5055 For News or Advertising Information CAPE MAY Herald-Dispatch Published Every Wednesday By The Seawave Corporation May Court House N.J. 08210

WHAT? ...no wreath at Hitler's bunker Litter Haven? To The Editor: I hope to take a moment of your time concerning my opinion on Road Side Litter (RSL). This is an issue that has I perplexed not only myself, but many. I've realized that some of our RSL has become a haven for ecological balance. I came upon a Michelob bottle and thought, recycle. Then, I picked it up and inside was a phenomenon taking place, possibly relevant only to nature. It had become an aquatic environment unto itself I had, despite my feelings towards RSL, put it back. Since then I now can look upon RSL and see beyond the thoughtlessness to be a possibility that a byproduct has occurred. However, I'm not quite sure to whom it belongs M.A. Gay Villas Successful Run To The Editor: The Board of Trustees of the Jersey Cape Performing Arts Guild would like thank you for the publicity you gave our group in connection with the recent production of Ayn Rand's "Night of January 16th" The play had a very successful run and this was due in part to the publicity afforded us by your newspaper Ralph Valeri President Jersey Cape Performing Arts Guild Cape May

GOP Women Ignored One To The Editor: On Tuesday, April 16, the Women's Republican Club of Avalon sponsored a luncheon for the purpose of meeting SIX candidates for Avalon Borough Council. With gross temerity, this organization ignored the fact that there are SEVEN candidates for Council seats ; totally disregarding Jeanette Glazier, the seventh candidate Could this possibly have resulted from ignorance of the fact that the upcoming election is NONPARTISAN? Obviously the Women's Republican Club of Avalon is unaware of what this term means For their benefit, this is the definition from Webster's dictionary: "NONPARTISAN - not controlled or influenced by, or supporting, any single political party - designating or having to do with an election in which candidates are not officially identified by party." In my opinion, this faux pas by the Republican Club was extremely rude, ill-mannered, and very immature. JANET F MCKITTRICK AVALON End Vietnam War To The Editor: On May 7. we will mark the 10th anniversary of the end of the Vietnam War This event will be marked in New York City by a huge ticker-tape parade in which thousands of Vietnam veterans are expected to march Over the last decade much has been written about the loneliness and isolation experienced by the Vietnam veteran upon his return to the United States and the lack of empathy and appreciation for the job that he did It is time for this to end. It is time for all of America, not just New York City, to welcome our boys home On May 7, let church bells ring, let glasses be raised high, let there be hugs and kisses and pats on the back Let there be resolutions and speeches and . . let us end the Vietnam War for all who served and for us all. EDWARD ROSENBERG Court House (ED NOTE: Rosenberg is a candidate for the Republican nomination for Middle Township Committee.) Letters Welcome The Herald and Lantern welcome letters to the editorr on matters of public interest. Originals, not copies, are requested. Writers must sign name, address and phone

Not in Stone Harbor Ug, Yuk; What Killed Her?

By JOK ZELNIK On my customary morning beach walk last week. I came upon one heckuva big fish lying on it side in the surf at 75th Street in Avalon It was about IS feet long which, to my expert eye qualified it as either a shark, a dolphin, or "a whale All I really know about fish is. I don't eat em. I figure if God wanted us to eat fish. He'd have "em growing in gardens or grazing in fields And the only fish I can identify with certainty is Charlie the Tuna At any rate, like any good citizen. I called the police to see if this was the kind of event they cared about "ARE YOU SURE it's dead?" asked the dispatcher I confessed I had failed to carry a mirror with me that morning to hold up to the fish's gaping mouth It looked dead. I replied, but it could have been resting. I suppose Having alerted the authorities, my next thought was to tell my neighbors But they're all in Pennsylvania. So, I hauled the nearest small child off to the beach to display my discovery. This happened to be an almost-five-year-old girl who, after several comments of "ug" and "yuk" and a proper amount of sorrow and remorse demanded to know what had caused the fish's demise BY THIS TIME crowd of two had gathered, one of them a policeman who didn't seem to appreciate my suggestion that he take my name and address in case there was a reward. I only said that. I should explain, because last fall I came upon a 10-speed bike in the surf at 8lst Street I rode it home, loyally called the Stone Harbor police, had it removed, but never heard another word. Is a teenager somewhere thankful, or does a meter maid make her rounds on my find? At any rate, I proudly explained to the crowd that I had discovered the dolphin, only to be corrected that it was, in fact, a shark (I was fooled by the absence of teeth but learned, to my relief, that not all shark have teeth. ) THE CHILD, clearly a future coroner, insisted on an explanation for the shark's death. My first inclination was to point out that it looked gray and aged and had probably

succumbed to old age But I realized I am gray and aged and knew the child would pick up on that immediately I suggested the brute had been hit by a boat The child disdainfully rejected that and told me what had really happened: The dead shark named Jennifer had somehow become embroiled in a domestic dispute between Killer Whale Sea and his wife, Elizabeth Shark Sea. One thing led to another, the dispute escalated to violence, and the result lay at our feet, one eye glaring at us. I reflected that this child has been watching too much "General Hospital." but accepted her explanation. RETURN home, it became apparent that this child thought the shark had washed ashore in Stone Harbor. So. I went through the mandatory Avalon-Stone Harbor rivalry drill. The dead shark. I pointed out, was in Avalon waters. No shark, dead or alive, is allowed in Stone Harbor Neither is shoddy workmanship, vandalism, drunkenness. unscrupulous Realtors, inept teachers, cheating curseing. juvenile deliquency or singing off key all of which can be found in Avalon. I follow this with the prerequisite information that while Avalon is "cooler by a mile," Stone Harbor is "cooler by a kilometer." "But what if a shark did come to Stone Harbor" the single-minded tot persisted. "It's not permitted." I said. "But what if it did?" the future lawyer asked "It would be arrested," I said. That seemed to satisfy her beach FINDS of course, are exciting and one of the best excuses for dragging out of a comfortable bed and - leaning into a 40-miles-an-hour wind. On a scale of 1-10, the bike was a four, a starfish is a three, and the 15-foot shark a five. A horseshoe crab is minus two. The top of a woman's bathing suit, accompanied by fanis worth an eight. The woman herself probably would be a seven since fantasies usually beat reality.