12 Herald - Lantern - Dispatch 12 )une '85

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(ED. NOTE: Although the community of Seaside Goat cannot be found on any map. Murphy assures us that it does, in fact, exist for those with eyes to see.) A hundred years ago, this barrier island beach was deserted except for a scattering of wild goats that grazed aimlessly amid the dune grasses. Today, Seaside Goat is a vital, vibrant, growing seashore resort. At the spring meeting of the Seaside Goat Merchants Association. I had a chance to catch up with some of the people who have given our town its distinctive flavor. Abigail Humbert who runs Herod-The-Great's Daycare Center was there with her husband. "Hum." Abigail mentioned that she and Hum have added two new innovations to their establishment during the winter For their preschool clientele, Herod-The Great's now features The Stinking Puddle, a single's pub -for precocious four year-olds. Chubby children

— — Notes from — T Seaside Goat, N.J. lf~\2Z , Owen Murphy " * ' -

will enjof The Salome Sauna, where they can lose that stubborn baby-fat. Hum reminded me that special spring rates are still in effect this month for first-bom children. Saw Samantha ScuzziBeech at the same 1 meeting. "Sam" is thrilled that her oldest daughter, Cynthia, has been accepted at Farah Fawcett Junior ' College. Cynthia plans to major in shopping, surfing, skiing, scuba, and skydiving. Presently, "Cyn" is a popular senior at Alden P. Strump High School here in Seaside Goat. Cyn was captain this year of the Strumpettes, the girls' precision kicking team that performs at all the home football games in which the "Salty Rams" play. Football coach Les Fizzicle credits Cynthia and the Strumpettes for getting the boys so high for each game. Les attended the meeting with his lovely wife, Imogene Carol, better known to all of us locally as "Icy." (I.C.). AFTER THE merchant s meeting, I ran into Merle Toavdine and Leona Ishtar at The Dynamo and Virgin Pub. Merle, as you know, has the local franchise for Lizzy Borden Chainsaws. I was delighted to learn from Merle that Lizzy Borden now makes a battery powered mini-chainsaw that is intended for personal protection. With crime in the streets so pervasive. Merle feels that all of us ought to be carrying a Lizzy Borden chainsaw at all times. He suggests two models: The Equalizer, for women (and effeminate men), and, for real men, the Charlie Starkweather Autograph Model with blood groove and inlaid notches. Merle reminded me that Lizzy Borden/ Chainsaws are "still n?ade in Fall River, Massachusetts, in the tried and true way that Miss Lizzie taught us." CAUGHT UP TO Mayor Waxford Squeers and Police Chief George F. MacGentsruhm having dinner at The Dugong Inn. "Waxy" and "Mac" were coordinating activities for the launching of Seaside Goat's Failsafe. Foolproof. Fallout Pipe which will be set in place tomorrow. Thereafter, all of Seaside Goat's sewage will be pumped into the ocean instead of the bays. As Waxy said with his infectuous grin. "It's a big damn ocean. Hoss. and a little bit of people-poopie won't even be noticed!" Mayor Squeers has arranged for temporary bleachers to be erected on the beach for the expected crowds. Superintendent of Schools Dr. Cedrick Foolfarm has announced that school will be dismissed for this historic occasion. The Strumpettes. dressed as sandpipers, will dance around the seagoing sewer pipe while the high school band plays nostalgic tunes The ribbon-breaking ceremony is set for 11 a.m. when the tide is going out Everyone is invited.

SANFORD STARVELING, program director for KPOK-TV. was dancing with Lacy Jags in Huggermuggers. Sanford assured us that "KAPOK" TV will revive its seasonal policy of 72 straight hours of cartoons on weekends so that no child need leave the house this summer. Lacy was celebrating the publication of hew newest book, The Carthaginian Salt-Free Diet. Her current husband, Norton, did the illustrations. Lacy looked stylishly au courant, as usual, in her mauve jogging suit, designer paratroop boots, and dayglo pith helmet. AFTER DRINKING several of bartender Diggory Venn's special potato dacquiris, my sweet-tooth led me directly to * the Sugar-Booger Ice Cream Parlor. At the big table in the back, I ran into Wolfer Knight, president of Mazuma Savings & Loan, Roger DeLodger of the Jolly Roger Realty Company, the Reverend Francis X. Crabble, pastor of the First Gnostic Church, and Candy Coquette, head of the First Gnostic's Lady's Auxiliary. Roger told me that '85 is going to be a big year for his realty firm. The Jolly Roger plans to bulldoze 400 homes in Seaside Goat, and build 2000 multi-unit dwellings on the same sites. Roger handed out cute lapel buttons with the Jolly Roger's logo, and the

slogan, "Five For One." He told us proudly that there were only three empty lots left in all of Seaside Goat. We were joined by Augie Bierwurld, Celia Cahoon, Pat DuJour, and Minnie Tekel-Upharsin. Minnie, of course, owns the SugarBooger. She says she's becoming so fat that her husband has to wheel her around on a dolly! Such a kidder, that Minnie! Augie owns the popular liquor store, Rum Thing, and is head of the local chamber of commerce. He was wearing the new T-shirt which the chamber of commerce plans to sell in all the stores this coming season. It shows a herd of goats placidly wading in the gentle surf, and underneath, in red letters, the phrase, "Cirrohsis-By-The-Sea." Everyone loved Augie's shirt! He has that marvelous teutonic sense of humor! NEXT WEEK I'll have a report on the upcoming Board of Education meeting. Till we meet again here, y'all take care! Graduate COLD SPRING - Mark D. Brooks, son of local residents Mr. and filrs. Delton R. Brooks, was graduated from Mount St. Mary's colleg, Emmitsburg, Md.. recently. Villas Civic Club VILLAS - The regular meeting of the Villas Civic Club will be held in the Millman Center. Bayshore Road, at 1 p.m. Saturday.

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