Herald - Lantern - Dispatch 26 )une '85

25

— Notes from — T Seaside Goat, N.J. \f~^ ^ ^

(Although the community of Seaside Goat cannot be found on any map. Murphy assures us that it does, in fact, exist for those with, eyes to see). The Wednesday night meeting of the HyphenAted Women's Klub <HAWK) was well attended. Membership, of course, is limited to women from Seaside Goat with hyphenated names. New officers were selected at the meeting. Martha Hag-gish-Loute is the new president. succeeding Carol Koma-Kopia. Angela Bath-os-Thorax was selected vice-president, Wendy Meedy-Oaker, secretary. Mavis Tweedy-Wallah recording secretary, and Rowena Pecca-Dillo. treasurer. A motion by Suzi Kicke-Hunter to open the membership to women with triple hypenated names was narrowly approved. Letitia Loping-Wolfe-Gait was welcomed to the fold. Her sponsor, Pricilla Peace-Quiff was reportedly delighted. RAN INTO Creighton Loone and his wife. Lorna, at the back bar in Chastitute's Restaurant. Creighton. better known affectionately to one and all as "Cremeface," owns the Jean-Valjean Rowing Machine Company here in Seaside Goat. * "Cremeface", super-sales-man that he is. reminded me that only Jean-Valjean Rowing Machines are guaranteed for 100 years. He and Lorna are excited about their newest acquisition. Last week, Cremeface and Lorna bought the old Bumppo Boat Yard from Gnat Bumppo. and they plan a major overhaul of the property. When the boatyard reopens in early June, it will be known as "The Hulks." Cremeface is already building a half-dozen enormous 18th century convict prison ships, the kind that were infamous in French l»rts like Toulon. Below decks, the ships will feature chained-in rowing benches and long two-man wooden oars. Parents with recalcitrant teenagers will be encouraged to bring their offspring to "The Hulks" where Cremeface and his ramrods will chain them to a rowing bench for anywhere from six hours to

six weeks. Lorna Loone says the first hulk (capacity 120) is already booked, and she expects the others to fill up fast. "The Hulks." said Cremeface, is one sure answer to the nagging question, 'Do you know where your teenagers are tonight?' " SAD TO REPORT that Shurekyll Memorial Hospital is still in turmoil. Irish physician, Dr. Seamus O'Barmy, has filed a lawsuit against the Shurekyll Board of Directors for suspending him without sufficient cause. Dr. O'Barmy has been much praised by *1ocal citizens for his successful treatment of crrrohsB-of-the-liver, a disease indigenous to Seaside Goat. But Dr. O'Barmy 's superior at Shurekyll Memorial, Dr. Alonzo Quack-Salvery, has repeatedly stated that O'Barmy's treatment — a hot compress made of bog butter, shamrocks, turf, and Guiness Stout, which is applied to the abdomen while Dr. O'Barmy and the patient sing all the verses to Finnegan's Wake — is not responsible for the cures. Dr. Quack-Salvery credits his own device — a surgical "weed-eater," ingested through the mouth, which "trims" the cirrohtic "weeds" on a diseased liver — for ail of the local remissions. Opinion in the community is divided. LOCAL ASTROLOGER Augury Portent, whose astrology column , "Augury" appears in more than 800 newspapers, has signed a contract with Broadway producer, Ben Johnson, to star in a musical comedy tentatively titled, "Supershores", which is based on Augury's life. Augury is presently composing the score for the show which is scheduled to go into rehearsal in November. Augury, known as Seaside Goat's answer to Bobby Short, plays piano on Tuesday nights at The Dogong Inn. Quick snaps: Cynthia Seuzzi- Beech, a pom-pom girl and captain of the Strumpettes. and Dave DeBauch, beach patrol captain, seen cheek-to-cheek at Huggermuggers. Billie George and Bobbi

Ben Betooch. the teenage Siamese twins, seen with their jumbo-sized hulahoop on the Strump High School parking lot Lester Sheepskin, guidance counsellor at the high school, seen walking the beach hand-in-hand with Rodney Creating-Dux, poet and playwright. Horace "Hootin" Newton waiting for the Dugong Inn to open at 9 am for his daily "eye0{>ener." Sara "Saucy" Coxcomb and her partner. Fallopia Bothways. redecorating the front window of their clothing boutique, "Cheeptarts." The "Salty Rams" basketball team hustling the carhops at "Yo Mama's!" Drive-In. Author Lacy Jags and Principal Vulpine T. Smirk drinking sweet potato dacquiris at The Dynamo and Virgin Pub. Beach tags are 5 inches square this year, colored orange, and feature a photo of Mayor Waxford Squeers. Note well: Special tags, which cost extra, will be needed for all holidays, and all weekdays in which the letter s occurs. Til we meet again here, y'all take care!

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