14 Herald - Lantern - Dispatch 3 July '85

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— Notes from — Seaside Goat, N.j. \f~ , P*"

(Although the community of Seaside Goat cannot be found on any map. Murphy assures us thai it does, in fact, exist for those with eyes to see). Mayor Waxford Squeers angered several members of the Seaside Goat Vl'W • Veterans of Undeclared Wars i this week. Squeers ordered both the Americah flag and the Seaside Goat banner flown at half-mast for three days to commemorate the death of his pet Persian cat, "Waylon." "He may have had long hair." said Waxy, "but Waylon was as patriotic a cat as you'd ever hope to find. He used to curl up on the Betamax when I'd run Pulton or The Green Berets, and positively purr in contentment I'll miss him." The viewing will be tonight at The Beak & Claw Pet Funeral Home. In lieu of flowers. Waxy asks his friends to send Tender Vittles to the animal shelter. BAN INTO Marvin Malahyde during the twof or -one morning happy hour al The Dugong Inn. Marvin, who owns Malahyde's Funeral Home, lold me thai he's changing the name of his business to Death 'n* Things. "These are trendy times." I said Marvin, "and I feel that Death 'n' Things has a kind of ambience that better reflects the young, hip.

> positive approach to the experience of Passing Over " Marvin, of course, also owns The Cresote Crematorium next door. "Used to be." said Marvin. throwing down his first martini of the day. "we'd either plant em or burn em. Now there's a lot of attractive options. For instance. we can spray you with polyethelene and shark repellent, strap you to a newsurfboard. and send you out with the morning tide. That's our Sunset Beach Package, and it's only $2,100. Very popular among the young Dearly Departed." "OR." SAID MARVIN, as he belted back his second martini, "we can cremate you. and put your ashes in designer snuff boxes instead of the standard urn You can send someone your ashes as snuff. It's a nice thought — our Dust Unto Dust Package — and it costs only $3,300." Marvin chuckled as he ordered two more vodka gibsons. "Lady came in last month, wanted her husband embalmed and sprayed in plastic After we finished, she had us dress him in ieans. sweatshirt, and fishing hat. Then we put him in a big easy chair in his den in front of the TV She turned the VCR on with tapes of all his favorite football games, and shut the door of the den." Marvin smiled "I got her check in the mail yesterday with a note thanking me. She said their relationship has never been better. We call thai our Fndless Autumn Package.'-' said Marvin, "and it runs $15,000; but that includes bringing him in twice a year for tuning and touch-ups." Marvin laughed: "She said it was a bargain, a real bargain!" Before he left. Marvin gave me one of the new Death 'n' Things bumper stickers, and a.Tshirt. "CH KKMK" DeSAI.TAN IS the happiest woman in Seaside Goat this week, and no wonder' Queenie. who owns The Weeping Waftabv Pet Store, won $40,000 in a | slot machine at The Rolling Stone Casino on Sunday morning She and her husband. Rajah DeSaltan. who owns the popular boating supply store. The Oar House, usually head for the casino right after church. Queenie. known widely for her warmth and generosity, plans to give $5 to each of her three employes, and $7 50 to The Lifeguard's Illegitimate Children's Fund. "The $22 50 is deductible." she said Queenie plans to use the balance of her $40,000 windfall to divorce her husband. Rajah, who she referred to as '"a pompous SOB" i Sorry Old Boater0 i Last summer, you may remember. Queenie had Rajah arrested for allegedly trying to kill her with a poison frisbe She later withdrew the charges. "He loves that damned Ferrari more than he loves me." said Queenie She told me that after a quickie divorce in the Dominican Republic, she plans to write her autobiography which will be entitled. "My Way Or The Highway."

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