23 Herald - Lantern - Dispatch 17 July '85

—Notes from — T Seaside Goat, N.J. \f~^ ^

(Although the community of Seaside Goat cannot be found on any map, Murphy assures us that it does in fact exist for those with eyes to see). There was an open house on Sunday afternoon at Seaside Goat's National Guard Unit, The 148th United States Messkit Repair Battalion. Commanding Officer, Col. Remington "Rambo" Exsojah. acted as host and tour guide to the many interested visitors. The highlight of the afternoon was a field exercise personally devised by Col. Exsojah. Hundreds of enlisted men, each dressed as a domino, spread out over the drill field in a serpentine formation that spelled out "Organization of American States" in script. At a signal from the colonel. an officer dressed like Pancho Villa pushed over backward the first "domino" in the formation, who fell back against the next "domino." This started a delightful chain reaction and, in seconds, all the "dominoes" had been knocked down. "That's the way it will be in Central America." said Colonel Exsojah. "if we let the gooks have Nicaragua and El Salvador. "We'll be fighting em in Texas. I've got my men learning Spanish so thel48th will be ready when the President calls." Colonel Exsojah is still bitter that his unit was not called up during Vietnam. "If I could have got my ticket punched in 'Nam," said the colonel, fingering the birds on his uniform collar, "they'd have had to give me a star." When he's not commanding the National Guard Unit, "Rambo" manages the Guns & Butter Rifle Range and Dairy Farm just outside of Seaside Goat. CHAMBER of Commerce member and well known Realtor, Samuel L. Siegescorch. plans to run for borough council in the emergency election next month to replace deposed councilman, Lance Castrato. Castrato was recently tarred, feathered, and ridden out of tdwn on a rail for proposing that topless bathing be permit-

ted on one of the secluded beaches in Seaside Goat. Siegescorch's candidacy will be based on his plan to strengthen the local economy during the offseason by luring merchant ships to destruction on the rocky reef of "Norman's Woe" southeast of town. Siegescorch was born in Cornwall, England, where, he said, wrecking is a way of life. "All we need to do," said Sam, "is erect some phony channel lights out on the reef. On stormy winter nights, merchantmen will think there's a passage, and be cut to pieces on the rocks. Once the crew has abandoned ship, the next person to board can claim the cargo as salvage. "Wrecking' can help us get through the bleak, touristless months," added Sam. "And besides, it's fun!" Mayor Waxford Squeers complimented Siegescorch on his novel plan. The Mayor said he would back Siegescorch in the coming election and looked forward to "implementing" his wrecking plans this coming winter. "It will give us something to do after the Super Bowl," said the Mayor. WENDY MEEDYOAKER had a wine and cheese party Tuesday afternoon to celebrate the grand opening of her new baby boutique, Inaugural Bawl. More than 100 women attended. Wendy told me that Inaugural Bawl will feature Calvin Klein Designer Diapers in addition to Pampers of Rodeo Drive. "I've also got the local franchises for Gloria Vanderbilt Pacifiers. Bill Blass Teething Rings, and Ralph Lauren Bassinets," said Wendy. Inaugural Bawl had an opening day sale on denim christening gowns by Jordache. and the women were snapping them up. THE HOTTEST rumor in Seaside Goat is that Dr. Seamus O'Barmy. the Irish surgeon who was recently suspended by Shurekyll Memorial Hospital, is planning to open an abortion clinic here in town. Sources say that Dr. O'Barmy will call his clinic. Near Mrs. Reportedly assisting Dr. O'Barmy will be Dr. Desmond C. Feetuscide, known

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as "Old D&C" to all his friends. Dr. Feetuscide is famous for his world-class collection of wire coat hangers. NEXT WEEK I'll have some interesting news about Marvin Malahyde who owns Malahyde's Funeral Home. Till we meet again here, y'all take care. i

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