dining & entertain ment_

—Notes from — Seaside Goat, N.J. "T as wMM

(This is the final installment of 'Notes from Seaside Goat. ' a summer feature on a community that cannot be found on any map. but which Murphy assures us does exist for those with eyes to see.) Gretchen O'Bowdler. head of the Down With Mary Poppins Coalition, stopped me on the street last week. Gretchen told me she has more than 400 names on her petition to ban dangerous books from the Seaside Goat Children's Library. Among the titles on her prescribed list are all the books by Beatrix Potter. Lewis Carroll. Astride Lindgren. Kenneth Grahame. J.R.R. Tolkien. Frank L. Bauni. Ronald Dahl. James Barrio. P.L. Travers, and Dr. Seuss. "All of these authors," said Gretchen. " present childhood as & delightful interlude. and life itself as a meaningful, satisfying experience. Our children are brainwashed, led to believe that their lives will be happy and eventful — and this is wrong!" Gretchen paused to let PRIVATE DINING ROOMS FOR GROUPS FROM 10 TO 60 PERSONS S.A. WADE RESTAURANT 1ST & N.J.; N. WILD 729-1133 M

two more women sign her • petition; then she coni tinued; "We want our chil- • dren to learn how to work. And by work we don't mean good work or skillful work or satisfying work or work they can be proud of. because there's almost none of that available." I "No." said Gretchen, "By work we mean a full-time job that you hate, the kind that most of us have to put up with everyday." She grimaced as she continued : "Let's face it — reading I cheery, creative, optimistic books is no preparation for life in Seaside Goat. The best way to get our kids ready for the real world — the real world! — is to make school as much like a fulltime painful job as possible, full of boredom, drudgery, busy work, and mindless repetition." "Thank God," addred Gretchen. "'that Dr. Foolfarm. Superintendent of Schools, agrees with us. Once these books are banned. our children will be protected from all those malicious dreamers and fabricators whose airy magic has seduced children through the ages." LAST MONDDAY Dr. Alonzo Quack-Salvery and his lovely wife, Anastasia. opened their long-awaited hospital and medical supply boutique. Suture Self. More than 100 persons flocked into the kidney-shaj>ed store to snack on Velveeta and Ripple. Suture Self features Pierre Cardin Designer Trusses. Ed McMahon Stomach Pumps, and Howard Cossell's New Improved Hemorrhoid Creme. The Quack-Salverys had a special opening-day sale on their own Valium & Quaalude-based suntan lotion, High Noon. "High Noon is a mellow sunscreen." said Dr. Quack-Salvery. "It really blocks out harmful vibrations." LACY JAGS called to tell me about her forthcoming book. "It's a thriller." said

Lacy, "about a female cannibal who crashes her single-engine plane in the Antarctic, and has to survive for 10 weeks on canned food. I'm sending the galleys to Stevie Spielberg." she said. "I'm sure Stevie and Georgie Lucas will want to film it. I hope they can get Dusty Hoffman to play the part of the cannibal in drag." Lacy laughed: "It's a perfect vehicle for Dusty!" SHORT SNAPS: Cynthia Scuzzi-Beech and lifeguard Dave DeBauch eating trout pizza in Don Corleone's; Jim Bob Toadvine and his Punk Rock Group, Hot Blasphemy, distributing copies of their new single, Crucifying Mama, on the Merry PowPow label; Delores DeSaltan. age 9, with her mother. Queenie, in the Sugarbooger Ice Cream Parlor. Delores won the talent division of the Little Miss Seaside Goat Pageant by playing "Happy Birthday" on the touch-tone telephone: Queenie. who is now dating Colonel "Rambo" Exsojah. confided to me that the last few years with her ex-husband Rajah, she felt like a unicorn hitched to a beer wagon , cheerleader Suzette Degage-Pose telling all the kids at the Vivesection Bar-B-Cue that she's been accepted at Clabburguri University here in Seaside Goat where she'll major in Elvis PresleyStudies.

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