dining & entertainment

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' Miss Crustacean' Contest Aug. 16

^OCEAN CITY — Controversy or scandal will never besmirch the Miss Crustacean Beauty Pageant in Ocean City, according to its board of governors who have guided the competition through eight years of non-contro-versial anonymity. The annual contest, which attracts a bevy of the most comely hermit crabs on earth, is scheduled for l p.m. Aug. 14 on the 12th Street Beach. THE WINNER is crowned "Miss Crustacean U.S.A." and awarded the coveted "Cucumber Rind Cup," a trophy with a cucumber stuck inside. In an era marked by beauty pageant sensationalism, the Miss Crustacean Pageant has reminded pristine. "You'll never find a hermit crab posing in the buff because it can be fatal," notes Mark Soifer, city public relations director and contest spokesperson. "They stay in their shells for protection. If they get out they can get zapped by a bird or something else", he said. "BESIDES, a naked hermit crab looks like a string of scroungy spaghetti with some claws and feelers stuck on the end. Not a very appetizing picture for a center-fold.- Inside their shells, the crustaceans are not exactly beautiful but at least they're lovable." said Soifer in an unprepared statement The Miss Crdstacean contest .features all the pomp and circumstance of your run-of-the-mill beauty pageant. Contestants wobble down a flower bedecked runway and are serenaded with "Here it Comes. Miss Crustacean." the pageant's 1 theme song. ALTHOUGH there is no talent division, the outlandish garb more than compensates. Last year's winner. "Crab Salad", appeared in a large serving bowl garnished by j tomatoes and cucumbers in . a bed of lettuce. "There is real imagina- i Hon at work here." noted I Soifer. "good old fashioned, outrageous fun

that is virtually impossible to scandalize." Furthermore, the board of governors has devised a pageant that is really not worth scandalizing, Soifer prattled on. "The contestan wins no money, makes no personal appearances and has no responsibilities to fulfill. We don't even know whether Miss Crustacean is a he, she or it and really, we don't care," he said. "All we're after is plenty of media coverage." AS USUAL, the beauty contest will be followed by the annual Hermit Crab Races featuring 150 of the fleetest creepers on earth. Fastest crab over the three-foot plywood oval is crowned "King of Klutz" and given a big plaque. "Again, no money," winks Soifer. The creepers will be shooting for the world's record of 6.5 seconds set by "Hermie" at the first contest 10 years ago. Hermie has long since departed to that "Great Hermit Crab Sandbar in the Sky" but his record and training habits remain a gleaming standard for all contemporary crabs to emulate. "HERMIE WAS a clean living crab," notes Soifer. "He never ate pizza and

drank only tepid swamp water." Crabs may register for the competitions beginning Noon, the day of the events on the 12 Street Beach. The Hermit Crab happenings will be preceded by the city's second sand sculpting contest of the season which begins 9 a.m. on the 10th Street Beach. There are no entry fees and admission is free. > "Again, no money," winks Soifer. Virginia Trip Oct. 25-28 COURT HOUSE - The Cape May County Historical Society is sponsoring a bus trip to Historic Williamsburg, Va., with visits to the Jamestown Festival Park, Carter's Grove Plantation, and the Williamsburg Pottery. The trip consists of four days and three nights beginning Friday, Oct. 25., and continuing through the 28. For more information contact the museum at 465-3535. Reservations must be made by Sept. 2.

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