' . - --—V r r ' ' " . "

VOLUME XXVIII. CAPE HAY CITY. NEW JERSEY. SATURDAY. FEBRUARY 3.1883. WHOLE NUMBER. 1490.

CAPE MAY cil'Y, yst. j. • 1 .50 a year in Advance.

*re(r8Sional Cards. J B. HUFFMAN. attorwkt >kd zyirkitellor at law ' solicitor. ■auttb akd exantxk8 IK CnAKCEKT. > nirim court cokmiwuoyir. * Cirl"iirCOTrr 1 ' pp F. DOUGLASS, ATTOBNEY-AT-LAW ; so ^rraavmua* OAKCKT ; ALTER A. BARROWS, . ATTOBSE Y-At-LAW 1 solicitor ik chakcery. £)Tt J. F. I.EAMING ft SON, DENTISTS, I JAMES. M. E. HILDRETH, 1 ATTORNEY -AT-LAW 'solicitor, a arris awu ixavikii! ik chancery i ClttflT 5' "" 44 *"*• C*1mjV -ppERBBRT W. EDMUNDS, • ATTOBNEY-AT-LAW, ' soucrroR a kti maiitir ik crahcettt. j arm. no so «umon< man. Instarss Cards. "gJNOS R. WILLIAMS, [ ARCHITECT AND BUILDER. , WILL VAKt BRAWTKOS AVI) "CTRRIK " tmci « w, tuy.ju. J ^ R LITTLE. nuini'ii PAINTER AND GLAZIER. QR0AN8 AND SHYING MAB. F. HORNER, HASUS-OfifiAlfS & SEWIFG MAC * INES fmm. u mw -... ia*. »«■ cm. .Pu-, Q TO GARRISON'S STATIOHM, AND STORE 7AEETT mat sold pisa. blank books, tout PAPER. POCKET -aitlakt. shell oooos. r.luiho tackle CHEAP libraries. k1k1atvrx boats m aitcpactured ok THE PREMISES BIWIKQ MACHINE KEEIILX8 AND OIL A 8PBCIALTT. II WASHINGTON STREET, CAPE MAT, N. J. /"JOODY EAR'S RUBBER FELT. \jt i mo amd packing oo. BOM. CLOTHING. SOOTS A SHOES. D. P. DIETERICH, New York Belling nod Picking Company warehouse. ■» mfrtki-t street, oesrs-y rnuntriu. Pa. j T5IGG6 ft BROTHER. ! AMERICAN WATCHES. I «iw^k,-xcw. pooe srasiT. ! PIBLAMLPHU. > «ft»W»Aa*nfeRt REPAIRED. J 6. K. HAND ft SON, OHLT PRACTICAL JBWE1.BRS , AW 1 GAPE MAY DIAMOND CUTTERS, ) No. 11 WASH1M0T0M MTHKET. ' asrarura or n« 1 IBILIT » SradALTT. j "P L. RICE, JR.. | • ARCHITECT AND SUPERVISOR . ' UO WALNUT STREET, ! \ PLAN. AMD SWcinCATSOK. CAREFULLY made mom »m. a-y-ad i .. JOHN M. BUBS ELL, BUUSUMAIJIU DRY" ©U&>6, GROCERIES, 1 boots. shoes and motions, FLOBH AND FEED, t PATENT MEDICIKW, ^ PORK. LARD, HAMS. 8KKDS. Ac j john m. mcsskll, "yj" OUTH SENDING FOB. j *1

Pediral.

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cr«OY.prpiu. ^ 'Chronic DUr- f, J . reared 1.7 Dr. ' y

srEKS£ " 1 * y^gagr-^^aia j; An o-runod^AnB of drep^qattd. yet £ I'noooo Tramline or Urlni In Pn- j . brallby L*reliUra. 67 alios , ■«■»«» j I; »2 . loilrnllnK banraf*. If Ton bin ralrn anrthlnc him si 1 dlira<l..n. o ld Leon Mire n~b..^or slrnb- I 1 hj always kin-pHIc Ihg l:<*uUU)r r -Lt ... .5 . j ^ ' ' T!« 'i*» ■ rTli^SSSK 1 MlAn not lnicrtirc trtih hnilni.i or , HSkiF i g3p|ppg„j5 i Dr. T. w. iiioifl opi r~ .. radRracnUu — pm^i re«a55~ ' BfiF"Txl' 0M7 Ike Gcnnlns, rUch Orar ' OB the Wnpycr the nd Z Trade-Mark I aadBVutamor J II. ZCIIJK A CO.

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««s. TAN BIRLKH 1 ■ ripai -A....

LADIES' TONIG, A Poiltlve Cars for all Fails Coraplilnlb. jez: - ■ Sold h, Ora»,.«.. Prica, »1.00. J Thej arc oon.poood.1 1^° other rcmcdlcr. benj 16. firaaSTlUMl .rora.-r. Urcr Hrfnhlor. asdJJIa aodj'ts'ih »Ju.b^HitS.U umt n»t wharcthrac BUicra arc Mad. ao csrlad ud pwtStS arc ISAr Thej glee new RI« and clfor toUeared and innrm. Tdan arhoae rropK'jiB.nw caan lrmttMrKj of On Don cl> or o.lsarj trraaiu or who require an AppetlMr. Trsilc M SdM MBMlaril, Bitter, ar. lrr.ni.ui. hemrb^MhlT rar^- : WhbS lhe im«e or allmii:! u. ov Hop Bitter., ttnl wan anui eon are neb. but it jos ooij need bp S. dona. Moo will he paid lor a eaae iHrErsrr*-"-j Bret rot tor. Hop Bturr. a no^tli.^draMie^

"csbtebs" ikdnbus m FOR THE SLOOD •■whbbi partear'7 Ana who Lira ^fa. ITh^e. ! : to 1l« sody.ijSa le- ; -

"Lorrac" ores SSallnf. 1 ' From the w. j. Prcaa. Deas Prim 1— Did yoo deer go oct ' No! Well. ibeo. IH lell you ( ill ibooi 1L Skiling is ooe of Ibe po>- , 1 acbenooa,lLe mveUtcil ion of whidi. , dear Pnw. it ipt lo loach you ud me ( in lender point! Wr ire neilhrr of ui • oM. nor «re elfher nf as »o young ud , ■ iclire u we were "1 may yens ago." ( Wr hire both Of ua, I feor, irrteod U Ihc ( j age when «kiiing l*v-itne« • mailer of ( I mathematical miscalculation. Bnl there '• ' . . of fan, ud healthful exercise ud useful knowledge lo lie derircd from in ( ai tempt to v kale. after one has iltained Uie , ipex of Ufe'» hill ud Barred down lit •• ( other eide. Skating, like all other amuatmeal, ia governed in a great measure by more or lesa. auhjtcte of the fickle fod- | deea) much aa we all aSect tA deapiae her edicts. She has decreed thai skating ahal I done (aa a role) during Ike winlel . ' moot ha. Bowing anhmiaaircly lo her dr" , cree, I think I would rather he caught | coming down Iba Boolerard dc Cooper , clad in laat year'a olMer. tbu to be found j trying toakale •« the Schnylkill, out of , seaaoo (my in Joly or AuguaL) And an , 1 posponed . siting until yeaierday, wheat u unbapp. combination of faahion I and Freddie tempted me to exiferirocnt with gfiatenlng shel on glinting ice, aa foL 't < lows, namely, to wit: We bare t aomeI what apacioua back ysid— DM loo apt- < ioua. but Juat apacioua enough to laat me t-aa a akatiat) for centuries to come. Yealerday morning that arra wka Coated over with ice, smooth aa cudidstoriai prontiaea ud almoa: aa treaobcroua, ud out upon that miniature Arctic region Freddie Idesr, innocent link aoul) insriglcd me to tewch him how to akake(?; Now when Fred adriaed me to put no about pair* of akales ud to diatribote tbetza about errtnly all oeer my aomewhal portly person, I thought the dear, link fellow was running into exirwragaoce. that because hts father owned an undivided half in J) Cooper tlrerl luck yard be mult neccasarily be a millionaire. Dear Fred! bad I taken your ad rice I should not now be carrying around my Wi ear ud right knee-cap, done up In raw cotton, nor my backbone in met ions ; bus, what ia our present lo*a )* the doc- ] tnr'a estimate gain I (I'll aell the doctor a- ,cic coal. ) Now U I felt diaposed to philnsophtrr opeS|*Bksting (which 1 do not) I ahould —y that Ibe moat important ud diffleult • : art of that ackaioa k to keep from falling J )V n, ud if a mu docs not acquire tint 1 step iadkRgMlBMDfljiuring the first half ■••-uiujy erf Ws extsteacc. ho will find it ■ -n the whrle S rather gliiicoo raging study. ! \DjJtow, I went out (kaliug. Freddie i ami itla pet- dog -"Nell," and a Masdly 1 1 ' ultra prop were mjuonly companiona. 1 ■ad great confidence in thai clolliea prop. 1 1 had taken It tn aa 1 member of our little family when it waa aa green ud not much larger lhag a South Jerary hooppair. Threw*'.! the fiery dangers of St ' least a d *t n election B'tghla I had guarded ll wliit more thu fatherly care, fruai the eril machinal iuni uf the "am&II boy" of bolti political parlies, and imbued with bonfire inteotloLa. «• reww . vrtr thea, trsu sblMtwodS hoor

!'• » rat my lootlrai boprs «. -ll., — -- 1 1 never loved" ctaaars-pnip trflosS T Bsm wat anre-fyon cnaw the reel' 1 Thai prop deserted me in the kour— 1 nay, in the very mosnesl— of my dirt*! 1 eatremity. ud left me a helpless, shape- , bets fun— not for me hat for Freddie ud 1 "Null"— sad I even thought 1 delected i upon the usually stolid countenance e t r tue clotbea-prop aoroelhing very nearly 1 - a 'preaching a Emlfe. j However, I assorted myself from the mingled wreck of miod ud matter ud ] broken prop, find with the assistance of t ih- grape arbor again assumed a soroewliat , uncertain upright podtko. My ueighltor t who witnessed the performance from his 1 hack boudoir window, complimented me 1 upon my gymnastic exhibition; bis pretty 1 1 daughter said "it waa juat too awfully 1 - funny lot anything," while Fred solemnly i ' informed me that I only needed a tent I , and a ring to make me a whole cirem — < t Just then I lost my grip upon the srltor 1 - ud my right foot started on u indepertd- 1 ' sot voyage toward the great west and my 1 j left toward the rising eun I checked them 1 . in their wild career by sitting down on 0 them. I reasoned with them, told tbem I t that although we were all three of about 1 ' the same age, my opportunities for ao- 1 quiring knowledge had been greater than 1 k. lhvb«i U»t thus far through life wc had - - kept close together ud lived in harmouy: ' that ksnnonj waa the moat desirable of \ 1 life's blessings (except perhaps, paper : c money and mortgages— upon some Mhrr ' 1 fellow's -property— not upon one's own) i ' and ao we came to u understanding, ud j . lo another attempt lo skate. , This time I started off all tight, coat • bee-line for the from gate. Had no psr- " ticular desire to go in that directum but ' . my feet carried the motion by a Urge majority, and I went with tbem -but not far. j for barf way down the pathway we met our baker bearing our, ud other people's, j breakfast rolla. lie wouldn't Aurn out, i r " ud 1 couldn't. "*e met by rhinrr." | sod by ehanoe we hnh aat down— I on " the ice. and the baker on the back of hi. ' neck, ia bk basket. "Few and abort were ' the worda we asid." ud his to prtnei- , [ "'frfemj' -ititmewkbarser py taat. aomei.'n.- it" I waaa nuasaUss bsm Cmibt).- Wvpsmd j at our kilcbes dixv. I removed my akaus ) ud entered therein, a wiser, sadder, aorer . much ' 1 least, not with extreme old age. ll Is u ' • aim* lovsriab.e rele-1 barn through • the papers— for a mailt -o the morning of his I "ninetieth hirthdsj" to Htoulderhls axe. ' • walk seven miles sort cut sod pile s curd " of hickory kuod before hreskfsV; or. If • lhf before she u .tin of bed in the -53*.-,.^-. ^

j The Rev. C. Vsn SsotVNird dcecrilir. 1 tbe February Cejcttrt. , PA.Ileeeplion * j by Pretidcot Lincoln." at Mitch he was a 1 i apectator, ud of which the following sre | diarscterUtic parsgrspb, : About twice a week. s»WT itfr nlfirlaf ! ' , ud other privileged virirora Itad taken | ' I their doparture. the doors of the J're-L i 1 ' dent's reception room would he thrown j 1 open to whomsoever might tic waiting j ' ' 1 without. Happening to he there on one ; ' i of these expectant* ; -r-d cut iota to ob- ! ' serve Ibe character and process of this in- j 1 : , formal audience given to the people. I | ' ' stationed myself in a corner nritr the j 1 ' President, where I could qec ud bear ail j 1 that waa going on. The notea referred to ; ' 1 , were Jutted down aoon after the inter- » " ! view. / President Lincoln's sii[)esnincc ia loo 1 ' well known to need particular description. 1 tall, thin, wiry form, which no bur- ' ' dt-na seemed able to bend, snd no amount 3 ; of Ubor to deprive of elsaticily; the oslm, ' rugged, honest face, grave snd deeply 1 ' melancholy when in repose, yet wont to ' ' lighted up under the influence of some ' 1 sally— ibcac are familiar to the I 1 world. He waa clad plainly, but broom- J 1 iugly, in a black bosrti-okah suit, nothing ■ 1 in afl bis dress betokening disregard of 1 ' conventionality, save perhaps, his nea! ■ ' cloth-covered .Uppers, winch were doubt- 1 " leas worn for comfort. He Waa sated 1 ' . beside s plain, cloth-covered table, io r. " aaimodioas arm-chair. ' ! When this visitor had withdrawn, u 1 • immense specimen of s mu presented 1 1 : himself. Broad-shouldered, robust, with 1 : ! thews ud shtews to mitrh his great 1 1 height, ud withal u bowst, good-ns- 1 r lured countenance— all seemed taTnsrk I ' him at heloogiog to the hardy yeomanry 1 r of tbe West. He sidled up awkwardly to ' ' the President, seeming alrnust sfraid to ' • snxwt him. irut alter some hesitation ■ ■ cootrived to ay, that beiog on a visit to 1 1 Washington, be simply wuted before ; laving to see the President, and have • the honor of shaking hands with him. He ' ' found a kindly eroeptioo. and after some ' introductory civilities. Mr. Lincoln ran 3 hit eye curioualy ova tia lingo caller, surveying him from bad to foot, ud • - then saying with a humorous look ud ' accent it would be hard to describe, "I j rather think you have a little the advanc rage of me in height; you ore a taller mu . J thu I am." 1 "I guaa not, Mr. President." replied ^ the visitor, Willi the aclf-abnegaling air of 1 one who seemed to regard any claim on f hit part, of possessing an advutagc 010 1 Ibe Cfclef Magistrate, as an offer** little " short of treason— "tbe advantage cuno'. ' tx- on my aide." J "Yes, it la," an the rt-joindef, "I have 1 a pretty good eye for distances, ud I '• tliink 1 can't be mistaken in tbe fist of " tbe advutagc being slightly with you. I 1 measure six feet three aud a half inches " in my stockings, ud you go, I think, a ' little beyond thai." I The n an Mili demurred, insisting very ^ respectfully that tbe precedence in the II matter lay on the President's aide. '' "It la very easily tested. " sold Ibe President, snd rising briskly ftom his rhoir snd taking a hock from the tabk, be

"placed it edgewise against the wall. Just * than his hr»d._ Then, turning to ' his doubting cocnpetllor for the nonce, he I him "Come under." This the mu 1 did not do at ooce. pausing, with flushed ■ face ud irresolute look, ss if not certain ' itow far he might venture to trust tlic « iion in his playful mood,— his coasts- ' tbe while wearing a bewildered, I half frightened, ud yet half smiling ex- 3 prraaioo thai was really comical to see. 3 "Come under, I my," repeated lire 1 in a more peremptory tow, and 1 then the visitor slowly complied. "Now ' straighten yourself up. and move your 1 head in this slay," — suiting tbe action to ' the word. Thia being done, Mr. -Lincoln 1 added, "Now you bold tbe book. »nd lie 1 not to let it slip down a hair-breadth, ud I will try." Planting himself accordingly underneath the book.ud moving bead from right to left, it waa found 1 that be fell a trifle ahori of the other's measurement. "There," said be. "it ia •» I 1 told yoo. I knew I couldn't be mis- 1 taken. I rarely fail in taking a man's 1 true altitude by the eye." "Yea, but Mr. President," mid the mu, : courage, amid Use merriment of the company, beginning to return, "yoo have •Uppers on ud I boota, ud that makm a ~ "Not enough -to smramt toanyttrtngta ' Uu reckoning," waa the reply. "Yon ought at least to be satisfied, my honest friend, with the proof given that you actually sfesd higher- to-day thu your President." His I-oralatllp Declined. Like muy other professional "wits." Sergeant Ballulinc never takes a Joke against himself kindly. On ooe occasion | be had A lady client with tbe peculiar ! name of Tickle, for * bom he appeared bcI f tfrc tbe late Baron Martin in a breach of 1 promise case. A point erf law arose, ud ! Mr. BkButioe began an address to the ; Judge in these words; "Tickle, my client, my lord—" Here be was tnUveupted by I his lordship', raying: "Tickle, bgr yot.ri serf, my learned brother." JfTrrffJiiy. m ? the Court roared with laughter except Mr. IialiuUne. who looked glum and waa very grumpy throughout the day. A Tearless Grief. "1 saw you at tbe funeral the other I day," said ooe lady te ano'.hcr yeaterdsv. "Yes. I raw you. too." "How natural tbe corpse looked." "Juat like marble." "1 never beard a pore affecting funeral sermon, did your'' "Never. And jo". . think of h. wbro everynod* wis crying 1: I reached for ay haodfce* chief ^arul found to my horror that it was A reel one 1 had . in my pocket." "SocinraB! What did " yon do?" "Why, I dWn"t err." How ronid L when everyone Hsi' M the cburoh TO using «bitr?'.

The tttaUonAxenl. i Men who travel a great deal, neeer erase scents that cu be fraud, aft nearly always r i 1 cated at junctions, where there ia no- n 1 Ilting but a depot, and a Store, aud . a mj loon, but adch is the case. A trarelcr gets 1] a Jencttra «nd «ne«1Dtr) the depot to J d ! find when bis train goes, and the ticket (, j » Indnw ia ckaep. He looks arountl ud I lioda that the agent is hclpiog to unload j ii i or is upon a side track, coupling i tl | or Is orer across the track helping a u farmcrkill hogs, or has gone to the ad- : I town with a team, to carry some „ j Or, If the agent ia in the office. C: lie has got more businca* thu the general 1 ll of the road. You apeak to him, si , ; and oak a question, ud bia brow corru- j a i gates, and he goes on counting » pile of y one dollar billa. ud acts aa though be had o 11 dim idea that he had been spoken to, but o wain mi be has tbe money In tbe safe U and turns the knob, ud tfien he answers ; so short that you aimoit conclude lo 1 a walk to the next station, and then be bus- u ties out ot the office ud locks Uie door, ; , , ud you think . he has gone to attend I- 1 i . important business, ujwn which de- 1 N . ponds the fate of'the road, ud you go out i p jtnil walk on the platform, and pretty ao <1 ; g' . you s« him belpiog his wife to wring out j ■ c'othw. or you find him ouTin the hack 1 1, yonl lunging clothes on Uw lioe, or apl't- 1 tl ting old railroad ties for wood. You may _T I a millionaire, and you may pay your \ hostler more thu tlte junction agent gels , as salary, bat be looks upon you as a three , , card monle mu, ud lock* the Move door „ I for fear yon will pat in a stick of wood, , , or steal the lining out of the stove. The f , agent ia in bis clement when a tnuu ia a ,, few hours behind, ud he sila at tbe Ale- a ; graph instrument, working away na though g - the world rested 00 bia shoulders. You r , listen to the constant click of the inatru , , meat, nod wonld gives ten dollar note to c , know what ia miing ovojAe^hta. Occs 1 , sionally lm will l.Tlgh TU a.mrViiDg that , . the instrument says, ud when yhu begin t . to think that the news of the ^ftorld is , . coming over the wires ud ia stored in that , . massive brain, tbe agent turns to a coun- i . try calool, wbo baa on a bine drilling t roundabout, and hts puta in bis boots, 1 ud who wipes his noae on bia mitten, ud r 1 ray*, "There ia going to he a duoe at the ; I hop yard at Johnslnu Siding to-nlgbL ud 1 . they wSnt us to come up on No. 4." Then t , yon realise that the agent, ail those long , houn that you have been watching the 1 varied expressions of bis calm, myalcrious 1 f face, baa been chaffing with a female op- , 3 eralor at the next station, ud 11 the coun- • r try galoot takes a chew of plug tobacco ; r ud rays be will go ud brush up a little j ; ud put on a cisu shirt before No. 4 t cornea, ud tbe operator says tbey will , c have a daisy time at the duce, you go | | out on the platform and try to get ac- | f qua in ted with the fellow who runs the | i burro power sawing machine. There ia . j no man who knows more thu the juno- , a titso agrnt, above everything, if you cu - only draw him out. Though only four r trains a day stop at bis station, and tbey c only slop for a minute, to let off some poor devil who baa got to get off there. • , ,. the agent ia in bia element for a brief mo- , mrsL lie addreasea (he conductor aa lie addreasea the conductor )

"Jiin," ot "George," or "Billy," ud asks j with a show of interest as deep aa a divi- , sito superintendent would have, where be ( pasaud "No. 1," ud if "No. 6" ia going | to he on time. He may ask something , about railroad stocks, ud you imagine be ; ia balling the market, when the chances , that he baso'l got eleven dollars left his lost month's salary. If be was polite, ud did not seem to own the road, would like him, hut when be nubs you, sutd treats you aa though information was worth more tbu your ticket, yotfhale him, ud if you ahould hear that (here < talk of promoting him lo a Mat ion ( wherf there were six bouses, you would | want to prevent tu There may be some rule by which the crosaest men on the line ia given u isolated junction.— /'rei's Sun. Bunicur. " Yon get to a town that baa only one tavern and consequently no runner ud no landlord, ud you cany a valise in each bud tbree-quarteraor a mile through an icy. biting wind, nntii you can't tell your number, froren fingers from tbe in•resale hud tea of Ibe grips, ud tben you find tbe bouse quiet ami cold; or wben you have to get up at 4:15 A m., dress In a cold room ud hoof (l down to the staflra because the Till dOCAT go lo that train, ud about half way do you disoovsr you have left your arctics in tbe office : you think of them wben yoo step on a glare of ice. ud falling like a pile-driver, •Dike a frozen dod of the great round earth with such terrific force that the end of j our rploe lifts the hat off yoor bead; there is nothing lo all this world ao adsroantioely bard ud so cruelly unsympathetic aa tbe froxen ground; there ia some elasticity about a granite boulder or an ingot of Meet wben you fall on either one, but a froxen clod Handing two Inches above its feliowr, feels that it lias tbe whole firm earth at its hack; lt la a pari of tbe great globe itaelf, and it studs on its external banc, fixed, immovable; ud when the external contact ia made ud the point of primal impingement ia noted, you bare the impreaaktc that you have been attack by the whole great whfHtng terreMrial bail, as though some tltutlc bud bad thrown U at you, like the Impreraive ball with vrbicb. ofumea weeping ud with much robbing, you used to play "sock.j""1' 1 When tin had coiled the meeting to or- 1 tier. Brother Gardner arose ud raid : I i'~ "Gem'Jen, if it wasn't for dc wheels cn I t a wagin" wouldn't move. When de wheels 1 , am on' den what?" • 1 ' "Grease!" solemnly exclaimed u old 1 'j"gT - 1 -K-rvrt !* whtapered -the President. I ' 1 softly, robbing his buds together. "Wr !i . hex de wagin an' de wiieels. We wiB ' I now pass de bat atvua" (or de sreaac."

A middle-aged, fresh-looking, fhahy ' mu. a little abort of hair ud breath, car- 1 I tying a cue. came into our office one | 0 i morning, and after being seated, he mid : I " "I see Edison has got patt-nta 00 over ! '' huntjrvd tnveslirau. Now. why I * don't lie originate a new excuse, ud con- 1 J a boon on anfferiag bumuity?" v Wc admitted that Edison was a great j " ; but could not ondevatsnd what ' 11 j caller meant by a new excuse, and 1 asked him whaPhe had reference to. f Why," oa'id tbe mu, aa be look a cigar off the mute), "what we wul ia a new '■ fur Maying out nights, an excuse 1 1 will have the semblance of troth aul " lataeerity. Now, I stay down town every * ! night till about eleven o'clock, ud I tell * ! it ia a good deal of work to figure v out excuse* for my absence, different ex ■ 11 cuscs. you know, so my wife will be good- k natured." ■ "Have you ever tried the lodge racket. 1 and meeting a customer from tbe coun- '' try?" we asked, with a smile of rearaur- B aride. U "Oh. lodge be doalicd, " raid be as he * ! aendehfd a match 00 hit sleeve. "I have k i played all the lodges in town on her, until 0 does not believe a word of it", snd it is L ! I have played the country -ens- c I tomer dodge. for twelve yean, but last I X went oat of basinets, and sinoe ' then I have been meeting old cmditors among my former customer*, to settle 1 with them, until my old partner told my ' wife that I didn't have uything to do ' with settling the amounts of tbe firm. ud. ^ the lost six months 1 have been *t" - tending committee meetings of several 1 slock companies. In which I drat own a ' of Mock. I just keep watch of the 1 papers, ud when I are there Is to be a 1 meeting of anything from the hnmue so- 1 ck:y to the little sisters of the poor, I nee that aa u excuse, I have tried every- 1 thing to make ibingi plensul. bnl Jtaeeim 1 to me all the excuse* are elhaartedT or the 1 have got onto the racket, and I do > Willi u editor or some smart mu would i think op a new excuse ud charge us a i royalty on iL I would be willing to poy." 1 "I»id yon ever try telling tbe truth 1 about where You were nigbto. ud what j were doing? Why not tell your wife ' right out that yon have been rat with the I toys pitying "draw poker, ud throw your- 1 self 00 her mercy?" "By George, it is a good idea. I never 1 thought of that 111 try it," and be went : out jobbing his cue on the golden stain. next day wc heard somebody rap at 1 the door softly, ud at tbe word "conic 1 : In," the door opened and the mu who ' wuted an excuse, limped In. He had a i cloth lied around hit bead, over ooe eye, 1 and a piece of black court plaster from nose down under bia ear. We ask oil ■ if he had tried telling the troth ' Lifting the cloth from over hla eye, and showing the worst looking eye that ever ' V said "Yea, I tried It, ud if my life la spared ' I shall not tell the trotii nnr mirre. i t*" ' lirve youkoew she Could hit me with the < cover to a wash bowl. When I said 1 bad ■ been playing poker ahe flew right off the 1 ud aaltl ahe had mistrusted for handle ua sain sue uaa misirunen tor a

years that ibe was weddod 10 a gambit r, a and thai settled it 1 said it was a lie, j that I was not s gambler, but only played , for exercise. I owe you one for this black , eve." ud taking a handful of cigars he 1 limped rat. Still, we maintain that the 1 truth is tbe safest, generally.— Milwaukee 1 1 What Caused Hla Wile's Hair ^ 1 A mm at Albert Ira, Minn., bad the (" 1 worst time explaining a telegram to his , : wife. He is a sporting mu. who does 1 , 1 gaod deal of fishing and banting, ud he ( I had a pair of rubber wading stockings, , 1 which be wore wben bunting In marshes. : A friend of his wanted a pair of them, j . and be promised lo send to New York , ud get tbem. Tbe two men were greet ( ■ friends, ud lbs mu who had been , promised the wading stockings ud who , lived st North Branch, got ready to go | - hnnting loot foil, and wanted them, ao be , 1 telegraphed lo bia Albert Ira friend, aa , | ' The dispatch cute lo the man's residence, ud his wife opened it, ud her 1 1 hair stood right up straight. ^Yben the 1 J innocent buabud came home she put on I 1 a refrigerator expression, ud huded Inn. 1 a pair of her own storatngo, done op In a ' paper, ud told him he'd better aaod them 1 r to hla blonde darling at North Branch. ' lie waa taken aU of a heap, ud asked 1 1 her what ahe maul, ud said be bad no ' ' blonde darling at North Branch, or ut , other branch, ud after be had said be | did not know a woman ^fly where, ud ' neve* thought of supplying stockings to ' anybody but bis wife, abe huded him the telegram- lie scratched his bead, 1 1 blushed, ud then she thought ahe bad 1 " him, but finally be laughed right out load, 1 ud went to bis room where be keeps his 1 guns ud things, ud brought out tbe new ' pair of robber wading stocking! that he ' had bought for bis friend each of which '' ' would faokl a bushel of wheat, ud banded ' ° them lo bis wife and asked her bow she ' thought they would look on a bioa.de 1 ^ darling. Then be told her tbey were for ' hla sporting frtsnd of -the male-perms- ' ' sion, ud she asked his pardon, but ins is- ' led thai the telegram bad a bad look on 1 , the face of it, ud was enough to scare uy wife out of her wits and stockings. The wading stockings were expressed to the friend with the letter, telling him to ' lie mighty careful in future how be leiegrapbed. — Little Boot Osteite. r- A gnod-ahmd bootjack: "That fellow ; had a monstrous foot, the biggrat I ever s raw." "How larger' asked the Geoeral. is , "Giro oa some ides of- ««• sixer" "1 don't know that 1 can, bnl I tefl you Id what's a fact- His feet to tu teg that * - well, "you haroTrariT tlM old dory ot 1 i the fellow wbo used the forks of the r road for s bootjack? Ye*, -ell. Nick .' tried it. and split tbe road so far that tbe |D gnigraphv of the neighborhood waa I changed.-— Arkassaw Trooeirr. j :

r" " """ A Michigan temperance advocate rej oretly Mated in a speech that Le watched , the doors of a saloon in a certain village | one hour ooe day. ud raw 81 men go ; and come He 1 bra* tors assumed that 81 ] bad traded owners ud that the j waa full of tipplers. Never waa : ao greTiously mistaken. Nothing is uf tbe-81 men he saw enter, perhaps not took a drink. 1 When you are a fat mu roiling himself , intu a saloon on 1 hoi day your first 1 thought is that be will fling bia hat 00 the floor, fall into a chair, ud call for claret 1 iib ice in it, ud you wrong him. He . simply enters the ralooon to ere if coal 1 will he any higher if he waiu another month before baying. The saloon keeper 1 whether coal will be up or down, ud ia always willing to tell. I You see a couple of lawyers enter a saud your impression is that tbey art ] going to shake dice for tbe drinks Nothing could be more erroneous They | are simply going in 10 consult s state map decide a bet that Kiabkill ia in : county. Having secured their information they walk right out without even stopping i to reflect on the awful suction nature must have gives a mu lo pull a whale I glass of lemonade through a straw aix inches long. I An insurance agent is encountered as ha comes out of a saloon wiping hit mouth 1 Uie hack of hit hud. The public at once Jump to the conclusion that be has , struggling with a brandy smash.— ■Thai's where the public wrong him. He holds a policy on the saloon, ud he accidentally dropped in to sse If the stock was kept up to given figure.. A fly hit on the chin, ud be instinctively wiped . mouth. A young mu lost hit situation in a hank because he was sera coming out of a , saloon, ud was heard to ray, "Ab! that . cools me off I" Instead of dying ot a bro- , heart as tome buk clerks would, this young man produced proof that he went the saloon to buy some old beer tumfor bis wife to put up Jelly in, ud that as he came out the oral breeze struck ud caused blm to remark as above. ! was at race reinstated, ud now he cu . go to that saloon to ask the weight of a ! ton of bricks, the nime of the longest river In the world, what the "George" in . George Washington's name stood for. ud ; no one suspects or maligns him. Out of 1 hundred men wbo enter s saloon only a I very small per cent, quaff tbe goblet of . destruction. Tbe rest go to find out the , exact shortage on tbe wheat crop, tbe , fluctuations in English buk stocks tbe news from tbe IHnams canal, ud various I other things; ud if tbey happen to wipe 1 their mouths as tbey come out, it is simply u involuntary morcment for which ) they can no more be held responsible thu , a yearling babe.— Free Preu. Khali There sse Bangac Bugs on a girl has u unruly look, like & a cow with a board over ber face. You r tike the genllrat raw in tbe world ud pot ' Itoard over ber face, ud turn be* out In Itoard ber lace, ud turn uer out in

pasture ud she gels the reputation of unruly, ud yon would swear she would jump fences ud raise merry Hades, snd you wouMd't giro ss much for her flO ooly for beef. It is so with a girl. slie wean her hair high 00 her forehead, or btuobed back, or eron lira frixxea, and has a good look, you will go your bottom dollar on be*, and you fee! ahe is good ss gold, sod thst wben site tells ber vounc mu lint she loves him there is 00 discount on it, ud no giggling beck ; bnt take the tame girl, with ber front hair longed, ud when she looks al yon you feci just as though the would book, ud you can't trust ber. She has a fenrejumping look that makes a young mu (eel as though be wouldn't fed safe unshe was tied hud ud foot, so she couldn't get out of the pasture. A girl with bugs may try to be good ud true ; it is awful hard work. Wben she looks at bereelf In the glass ud sera tbe quarter of u iodrof forehead' she says lo beradf: "1 am dangerous thi* wul lo look oat for me." She thinks she is all right, bat she is coosUnU# doing thst which a girl wbo "ears hek hair brushed lack would not think of doi^p. The bug msy belong to church, snd may try to put cut a pious look while Ibe hymn U read. But she will Irak oat from behind- lira bang., aidewUs t meek ud lowly young Christian wbo trying to get hit mind fixed on tbe hymn, ud be will get his mkul oo_ber,. and it will break him ail up, ud be won't know w hether he is singing "A Charge to Keep I Have" or "She's a Daisy." The girl may place ber bugs down on the hack of tbe pew ahead of ber daring the morning prayer, ud try to be good, her corset will be too tight, ud as she hitches around to earn tbe pain one eye will rise like the morning tun over the back of the pew, ud that eye will catch the eye of a young mu two seals to the right, who is tryiog to cover his face with ooe band while be trit* to keep the flies off tbe pomade 00 bis hair with ^ tbe other, nod his IntereM in tbe prayer is knocked Into a cocked haL Tbe bang- . ing of tbe girl's hair changes the whole come* as a gun that is not loaded. Yoo take a picture of "Evangeline" ud bug | her hair, ud she would loofc as though she would "run pseplc. How would . Mis Vis Oott, tbe alleged female preacb- , er, look with ber hair banged ? It is Juat the same with toys You lake a nice, pious Sunday school boy wbo am repeat MO verses of tbe New Testament, and cut • his hair with a clipper, ud he looks like r Tug Wilson. I Time axssM Eipenra M1M. | Hard workers are subject to bilious st- > ^be poorest borrower can always return 1 thanks.

Material Apparition*. Envelopes were firM use in 18BB Aoirstbesis was disoosered in 1844. 1 The flrrt steel pen was made In IBM. The flrM air-pump wax made In 1654. 1 Tbe flrM luciler match was made in 1T98. 1 570. 1 Tbe first iroc steamship was built In 1850. The Aral balloon ascent was made in ' Coaches wele flrM used in England in : Tbe Brat steel plate was discovered in : Tbe Franciscans arrived in England in I r Tbe first steam bust plied tbe Hudson in r 1807 The entire Hebrew Bible wot printed in 1488. Ships were firat "copper-lea I. mxed" in I lTKL Geld was firM discovered in Calilnrnia ' 1848. 1 Tbe first bane railroad wa« loutl m 1 1820-27. 1 Tbe firat telescope was used in England [ inlBOS. > Christianity was introduced lot" Japan ; 1549. 1 Tbe firat wntche* were trade at S i-ns-in 1477. s First saw-nioker'suril brought loAmvT. J tea in 1819. I First almanac printed by George Vuo • Furbach in 1480. Tbe firat newspaper advertisement apc pea red in 1752. Percussion arms were usrd in tbe I'ni- • ted States Army in 1850. t The flrM use of t iocnaoiive in this 5 oountry was in 1829. Omnibuses were firM introduced in New a York in 18M. a Kerosene was firat used for lighting d purposes in 1826. x. The first copper cent was reined in a New Haven in 1887. it / The first glass factory ia the United . I.' States was built In 1780. d The first printing press in Uie (MM k States TO worked in 1620. t. Glass windows were firM introduced n into England in the eighth century, Tbe first steam engine on this continent it to brought from England in 1758. n Tbe first complete sewing machine was d patented by Ellas Howe. Jr., in 1846. if The firsl Society for the Promotion of Christian Knowledge was nrguiaed in if 1636. « Tbe firat attempt 10 manufacture pins ic in lb Is country was made soon after tbe ie war.of 1812. is Tbe Aral prayer book of Edward Vt ■e came into use by authority of Parliament 1. on Whit-Sunday, 1549. h The - first temperance society in this ji country was organised in Saratoga coolly, N. Y., in March, 1806. The Drat coach,! n jiraS'irfi-T-a brought thither in 1561, when Queen Mary came from Francs It belonged to Alexander - I wrd Seal on The first dally newspaper appeared in "J 1702. Tbe first newspaper printed in the ° United Slates was published In lposra ou

J September 25, 1790. ' traduced into tbe province of liexin. It- ' pen, from China, in 1519, and Heain ware ' still bran Chinese marks. Tbe first society for the exclusive parpose of circulating the Bible woe organ- '• Hod in 1805, under Uxe name of the Britr Ishaad Foreign Bible Society. * Tbe firM telegraphic instrument waa T successfully operated by 6. F. B. Morse, " the inventor. In 1685, though Ui utility " was not demonstrated to tbe world until ir 1842. " Tbe Bret Union flag was unfurled on the 1M of January, 1776, over the camp at Cambridge. It bad thirteen stripes of 0 white and red. and retained the English cross in one corner. * When Captain Cook first visited Tahiti tbe natives were naing nails of wood, bone, ' shell and stooe. When tbey raw iron nails >c they fancied them to be shoots of some c very hard wood, and, desirous of securing 0 such a valuable commodity, tbey planted ° them in their gardens d A Deiot.cn BrtiieEipora. As we whirl out of Wellsville a bridal „ couple is on the train. The bridallst kind I, of • couple. Tbey have been in the bridal „ business. I should Judge, about . fifteen „ trying to look over the top of the paper. w and out of the window, "what is in the paper to-day?" And be rays Joss what almost uy well;o seasoned bridegroom in Aaxerica says in ^ answer lo tbe rame qoetUoo: D "Ob, nothing," ? "I'm." ' "Wbo is elected?" lt "John Kelly." r "I don't know be was rannlui for u anything." "Oh, yes He's running for every - . thing." _ "Weil, is be President now?" h "Co-" "I don't believe iL What ia be President of?" ' -Sammy Tildas " "Oh. pshaal Who xs I'rraxdrat -» she United Btatft?" "Arthur." . "Arthur Wbo? Wasn't Mr. Hayes . Pre*ideot laM timer > "Nork." "Wbo was Ibenf" ^ "Mrs Hayes" " nor of Penraylroniir "Colooel Alexander McClure." "Whal is tbe wratbor probabilities?" "Btano." "Does Mm Wsnamakei— " -Great Soou, woman! Have { aothdow, lake Urn papas I'sa geiag " ^And^theMrickra bride MtejyasSft "I think It's time, " and withont looking at m partaxenl and widows mpftSet^cofumE. — Bartiogtac Hamhyv.